For whatever reason that will never be dug up by a shrink, I am not someone who likes to expose themselves to great emotional risk. Whether it is at work, in relationships or in endurance events, I am not comfortable taking on big challenges. And this is not good.
I have had the same job for the last 11 years. While there are good reasons for this situation (i.e., I like it, make good money, am a proven commodity/job security), it is also because it is familiar and predictable. I know what I am doing and have mastered all of the essential skills years ago. A new job would require me to leave my comfort zone. While I am confident enough to think I would succeed, it would entail far greater risk than I currently face.
While I have friendships that I consider to be meaningful, they could be much stronger. The barrier? I lack inherent emotional trust. I assume that people are going to let me down at some point . To avoid the inevitable, I put up a wall to prevent reaching that point. If I don't put myself out there, I can't get hurt. This partially explains my recent dating paloozza.
While I am in shape and have achieved respectable times for endurance events, I am not willing to push myself to reach loftier accomplishments. While at some level it is to avoid greater physical stress, it is also fear that I won't have the mental and physical strength and skill to reach the goal. Finally breaking three hours, thirty minutes for the marathon felt great but I didn't have to train much different from the way I always have. Running sub-3.20 would require I move out of my comfort zone and open myself up to potential failure. Hate that word.
But I have reached the point that I can accept the pain of failure or rejection. I welcome it. Bring it on because it is time for riding the waves at Bells Beach.