Conversations with Dog

The weekend’s plan was to run 10 miles on Saturday and Sunday to prove to myself that I had it physically and mentally to train for the California International Marathon in early December. I made it through the first 10 but today cut it down to 7. Does this mean I am a failure, that I don’t have the right stuff? Call it a ridiculous rationalization but I think I am still good to go. First, I have a golden rule that I choose to ignore when I feel super motivated after reading an article about Lance, or I feel bloated or when I read an entry by some random blogger I follow on their latest amazing workout or race. I get all steamed and say lets do some big volume of training, like 10 and 10. My golden rule is don’t run more than eight miles more than once any week. The golden rule is both to prevent injury, which I am susceptible to when I train for marathons, and burn out (I was fried after the Saturday 10). So I obeyed by brain but not my ego. But ego will be back in force this weekend when I try to do 12.

An expression I am getting completely tired of is “in the spirit of bipartisanship.” It is back in full force, Obama being the offender, as in “I will examine Paulson’s plan in the spirit of bipartisanship.” Does this mean he is doing it to appear bipartisan, that he is considering each side which he normally doesn’t do or that he is doing it because it is the smart thing to do? Obeying the spirit of the law doesn’t necessarily mean you are obeying it. Spirit of anything is up there with expressions like “no offense (you are about to be offensive), “I am too busy to do it,” (you have no interest in doing it) or “let’s get together again soon” (let’s stick to seeing each other every 15 months).

I spent yesterday with Murphy, a coworker’s cocker spaniel. He is an awesome dog but he doesn’t talk. I have never really spent time alone with a dog. I had a cat growing up and they are not particularly social animals. They check in every now and then but don’t really invite conversations. Dogs are social; they are constantly in your face, demanding your attention. It was just Murph and I alone for about three hours and I found myself uncomfortable with the silence between us. At first I tried to make conversation but I got sick of the stone cold silence that followed my questions. I know dogs don’t talk but if you are going to be so social and love attention, you gotta give me something.

Cableless/clueless and Twitter Friends

In order to sign up for the California International Marathon, I gave myself a test. This weekend i have to run 10 miles both on Saturday and Sunday. I run 8 miles a day, four days a week so it's not really a physical challenge to run 10 miles, although today's 10 miler was tough. I get stuck on the mental issues of 10 miles - the fact that it's greater than an hour, more than a step beyond my usual run and in the double digits. But endurance sports are all about callousing the mind into slowly expanding its criteria for what constitutes long. I used to consider four miles a normal run, where now six is short. Hopefully I won't be whining to myself the entire run tomorrow like today.

I shut off cable about six months ago and they shut me off four months after that. So I am without sports, reality TV and Friends reruns. It's not that big a deal since I prefer reading about sports events and looking at the stats compared to watching them. If I care about one of the teams playing in the contest, I get to nervous to watch and if I don't have a rooting interest I am too bored. And it is not that big a sacrifice to give up the Hills. So I have been surviving by watching The Wire on Netflix and The Office on Hulu (thanks to Colin Northway). I am not sure if this lack of cable is making me smarter but it is certainly making me cheaper.

Update on the Twitter phenomena - I was at @eggontop's party (name is Elena but I am using her Twitter handle for effect) and there were three other people who I track on Twitter (and visa versa) at the party. I know things about these people through their updates that I would normally only know about close friends yet this knowledge didn't produce any meaningful conversations other than about MC Hammer. And it is weird to even bring up the Twitters to them. It's like saying I saw you naked in the bathroom and didn't know you have a hairy back. But I'll keep following them, just not necessarily talking to them.

Google Phone and Honesty in Business

I have been paralyzed by indecision on whether or not to buy another cell phone. The issues, beyond my own need to validate myself through a cool phone? The iPhone is cool, has loads of interesting if meaningless applications (other than Avego) and brands you techno-hip, but I hate the touchscreen keyboard and it doesn’t work well for corporate email/calendaring. The Blackberry has none of the Apple buzz but is much more practical AND has brickbreaker. Sprint Instinct is a Sprint phone. Nuf said. My Treo 650 still works well but the whole industry and public is basically shunning it and Palm. Do I want to be in the coalition of the shunned? And finally the upcoming HTC Dream AKA Google phone, which will be announced on Tuesday. I said I would wait until the Gphone came out before buying a new phone so the waiting may be about to end.

I am not sure if honesty is always the best policy in business. I went to lunch today with a former client who is with a new company. I thought it would be a good new business opportunity. I water and dine him over Pad See Yew with chicken, tell a few intelligent and funny stories and presto, I have a new client. Except he started the conversation with how much he hates his job and his company. From there, I could not smoothly ask him if a blog strategy would change anything. And when he asked me how I was doing at work, I went with the generic, unthinking "things are good" response almost by rote. That kind of killed the conversation since I didn't meet his honesty with an equal peak behind the curtains. So we bitched about California public schools and called it a day.

Tonight’s podcast is going to be on the financial meltdown, instant replay is killing sports, and celebrity blogging. I have to somehow figure out how to drive our listener base beyond 30 people. I admit, this is 30 more people than I would expect to listen to my uninformed opinions but I have done the Facebook group thing, the mass email, the blog banner (see above). Maybe having more friends would help.

Alcohol and sponsorship

The reasons for my passion for Lance are many. Other than his ridiculous fitness level, drive and passion for endurance sports, the primary reason for my adulation is his simplification of decisions into right or wrong, black or white, on or off, one or zero. He doesn’t spend a lot of time agonizing over decisions, or reflecting backwards on ones that go wrong. Sure, introspection can be important but there is more time wasted doing that than intelligence gained. I want that, I need that, the clarity of the pure decision. In my work experience the VP, marketing and CEOs I admire aren’t the ones who make smart decisions, it's the one who make and fast ones. Fire, aim, ready.

I will get sponsored. Whether it is Zappos, Sports Basement Schwartz Communications, or Baker Breakfast Cookies in the next six months someone is going to pay me, in cash, goods or services for the chance to associate their brand with my fanatic addiction to endurance sports. My value has to be in my commitment rather than my performance since I don’t really have the results or the game. I am kind of like the Sarah Palin of marathons and triathlons. Like Palin, I am not the best at what I do but I appeal to the average Joe who wants to see themselves in me. I might not be able to win the New York Marathon but with a little luck and hard work I could finish 5,256^th. Don’t admire the A game, go with the C+.

I have almost reached my end point with alcohol. I was never a committed drinker. In high school, college and into my mid 20s, I could hang for one weekend party of many beers or mixed drinks but would limp my way through the next night with no second wind. Then I started becoming a lightweight once I had kids. Sleep was hard to come by with screaming babies so the sleep better be sober and pure. Divorce followed and the drinker in me was reborn for a couple of years. But once my endurance addiction took hold, even the slightest hangover was a huge bummer. Last night two glasses of wine turned me into a whiny bitch (read in the voice of Omar of The Wire) this morning. I don’t like the pain of the next morning at all. It’s worse then my friends yelling at me for being no fun.

Personal growth and PR Parties

Rebecca was commenting yesterday that my blog entries from 2005 are almost exactly the same as from this week. Does that make me a consistent person true to my beliefs and passions or a boring person who is not evolving on any level? Also, should the events, if there are any, that are contributing to my evolution, be documented and easy to detect on my psyche through a few random paragraphs every few months? OK, so a big event yesterday was deciding to do the California International Marathon with December 7 with Duanne. When Jesus saved another soul, did everyone get bored and say not again, go work on your carpenter skills for Pharaoh's sake?

I have one of my two weekly conversations with Ben today who is in school in Bend, OR. It is amazing speaking with him because nine months ago he would not even talk to me, and now we have these open and honest (although short) conversations about anything. It is also slightly nerve wracking in that I am trying to cram substantive bits into the discussion but also want to keep it light, all within a seven and 15 minute time limit. He definitely gets it and he ends up sounding like the adult most of the time.

I am going to a party tonight at Emily and Kathleen's new office. They opened their own PR agency about a year ago and are showing off their new crib. The invite list is hilarious; former coworkers who all work at semi competitive agencies. Kind of like Obama winning and inviting all the key members of the McCain campaign. Although I don't think anyone takes high tech PR as seriously as Karl Rove. I am trying to get approval from Emily to Twitter live from the party on the fascinating discussions on open source and cloud computing.

Random Bits

Colin Northway is pissing me off. He is the faceless stranger who lives within 60 feet of me who has generously, without knowledge,been providing me with free WiFi for the last year or so. I think he found out and I have now been bounced off his network. Maybe he objected to the amount of times I was accessing livestrong.com for the latest Lance update or searching in vain for more friends on Facebook in order to catch Tbex. I think I need to actually contact him to try and share the cost of his service. But that would require talking to a neighbor. Unprecedented.

Don’t ever try and wear a Dri Fit shirt that you use for running on a plane. You will be shunned. For the first time ever, I underpacked this weekend and ended up with no clean shirts for my plane ride home, other than a running shirt that I had “washed” in the shower. Thinking that it would be OK to wear, I wore it for the 3 hour drive to JFK and didn’t think there were any problems (It’s not necessarily a good thing to be used to your own odor) until the pregnant woman sitting next to me in aisle 11 on the Virgin America flight practically started gagging. And my friend Dave barely acknowledged me when we surprisingly discovered we were on the same plane. So I did a subtle change into a sweater and pregnant lady stopped gagging and merely glared at me for the rest of the trip. She didn't like the hot bodies on Entourage.

The comeback of Lance has motivated me to reengage in endurance sport events rather than just aimlessly run 8 miles a day, four days \ a week. It probably won’t be anything new; I’ll go back to running a marathon or Ironman with more ambitious goals. But I also need a mission that has nothing to do with running or lifting, like Lance’s cancer mission. And I don’t have a
clue. It has to motivate me and inspire me, rather than be a checklist item like volunteering for some cause, done.

Losing the Fitness Edge

I spent the weekend with Sam playing a lot of football, which constitutes the two of us throwing the ball back and forth to each other, occasionally running pass routes to make it more realistic. We also went to the track and timed each other running 40 yard dashes, the typical distance for football players. This reinforced that I my lack of speed has only gotten worse as I have gotten older, and sprinting is hard. I ran 6-8 miles all three days at my usual 7:15 to 7:45 per mile pace this weekend with little problem, but sprinting 40 yards is a wrenching painful process. Should I fight this example of aging?

I can still run distances over three miles as fast as ever and I am lifting more (albeit with the help of Creatine) than ever so I am not I total physical decline. However, my 12 and 14 year-old sons are definitely starting to surpass me in activities requiring constant explosive action such
as jumping (basketball) and stopping and starting (football, tag, basketball). I have no fear of losing to them, especially if I am trying my hardest, but given that my physical prowess is so important to me, I have a big fear of watching the inevitable decline spread across other activities as measured by my regular eight-mile run and bench press number

To prolong this from happening, I should shake things up and stop doing the same thing every workout, which I have been doing for over 10 years. It doesn’t need to be radical change. One speed and agility workout a day, stretch every day, should do it. But am I prepared to get out of my workout rut? My goal was always to get to a place where I was doing a hard workout everyday but it had gotten to the point of repetition, that I was physically able to do it relatively easily and mentally it was rote like brushing my teeth. I am at that point but rote is not going to cut it if I want to hang with Sam and Ben in one-on-one basketball much longer.

Social networking

To continue a rant from the latest podcast; I don’t know what to think of social networks and their affect on my social life. I like being around people and having friends, but I lose momentum once the interactions become less frequent. In high school and college, it was easy to maintain friendships. You saw your friends everyday and you could engage in my favorite topics of discussion; the everyday minutia of life. After college when we moved to different cities, the everyday discussion ended and it became weekly or monthly conversations where the discussions was either a summary of the minutia (less compelling), big events (less interesting) or dead air. And I don’t like talking on the phone.

So the result has been friendships that have stalled or died all together. And this includes some of my closest friends. It’s sad but seemed inevitable. Enter social networks. The beauty of Facebook is two fold. First, with everyone joining and the network effect kicking in, you can find people from high school who you haven’t talked to in years. One click and they are in your group. Second, you can quickly, after the initial, “summarize my life in the last 25 years” email, start sending quick snippets every couple of days that provide random updates on the minutia of your life. This can also be done with Facebook status updates or using Twitter. For example, Elena just lost her job and got engaged on the same day and let everyone know using Facebook. Some might call this impersonal but boom, in 15 seconds she let everyone know what was going on in her life.

With my fear of the phone, Facebook et al seem like the solution for being a social guy. But there are drawbacks. I have been accused of keeping things on the surface. It is relatively easy to get to know me on a basic level but becoming close to me is hard. I put up walls around me which prevent real friendships from forming. Does Facebook, which as a medium keeps things surface, perpetuate this even further. Does connecting with 345 people at once equal having in depth conversations with six. Quality over quantity?

End of an Era

I just bought tickets for a Yankees-A's game on July 20 at the Stadium in what could be the last time I go to Mecca. I think it is a joke that they are building a new Yankee Stadium. While I am one of those people who think sports have changed for the worst (e.g., tennis was a much better sport to watch when they used wooden rackets, college and pro basketball are both suffering from one and done athletes, massive celebrating from an eight yard screen pass is a joke), I think building a new Yankee Stadium is wrong for economic reasons.

Yankee Stadium, like Fenway and Wrigley, is an American temple, comparable to the Coliseum, Wimbledon Center Court or Alpe D'Huez. People who aren't even baseball fans go to the Stadium so they can say they were part of history . Aura and mystique aren't strippers; they do exist at 161st Street in the Bronx. Once the Yankees move to their new crib, even though it is next door, the attraction that is the House that Ruth Built is gone. The House that Hank and Hal built is worthless as a memory.

I have probably been to about 15-20 games at Yankee Stadium
and they were all incredible. Highlights include:

July or August 1973 - My first Yankee game with my mom and sister. Felipe Alou and Bobby Murcer are the Yankee stars. They lose to the Red Sox but I don't have an ulcer as the meaning is lost on me. I get a free bat as we stumbled unknowingly onto bat day.

September 1976 - Chris Chambliss hits a three-run homer with the Yanks down 5-3 in the 9th and two out. My first insight into the rivalry and a premonition of Chambliss' pennant winning homer one month later.

September 1978 - In the middle of the greatest comeback of all time, my dad and I watch the Yankees and Catfish Hunter beat the Sox again on Thurman Munson's RBI to drive in Mickey Rivers. I now fully understand why it matters.

August 1980 - I catch my one and only foul ball, hit by Reggie Jackson, and my play is on tv to boot. 25 years later, Sam will loathe me when he learns that I lost the foul ball several years later.

May 2003 - One of the top moments of my life, my first Yankee game with Ben and Sam. Yankees lose but Jeter hits a home run, making the game one for the ages. Enrique Wilson, a Yankee back up infielder, blows the game with a late inning error. We will all hate him for the rest of his career. When we have a catch and either Sam, Ben or I drop a ball, we will forever refer to it as an Enrique.

2004 - I'm not at the game but Ben, Sam and Jessie are because Sam won a promotion at Dick's when he knew Ron Guidry (49) and Don Mattingly's (23) numbers. He is learning the important math skills.

June 2005 - Yankees finally win a game attended by me, Ben and Sam against the Mets. But we aren't there to see it, since we left in frustration in he 6th inning when the Yankees were losing.

June 2007 - The Yankees crush the Pirates, and Sam's hero, Arod, hits two home runs. We stay for the whole game, a first for me, Ben and Sam.

August 2007 - Sam and I sit in the right field bleachers (the high priest's seat at Mecca) and see eight Yankee homers, none of which is Arod's 500th.


I will definitely get misty (of course I do this for compelling long distance ads) when I walk out of the Stadium for the last time. I never thought I'd outlive it.

Purpose of Exercise

I am currently wrestling with whether exercise should be more of a pursuit of overall fitness or of goals. These two are not mutually exclusive but they can sometimes run in opposition. For example, in my opinion, running 16 miles is not as good for you as running 6 miles. 16 overtaxes your muscles, harms your joints and there is diminishing return beyond 30 minutes of exercise to the cardiovascular system. I offer no scientific proof to this statement, just my own physical experience. On the other hand, if you are goal oriented and want to run a marathon at continuously faster times, you must run 16+ miles several times a month.

There are the other issues as well such as mental wellness. It is motivating and uplifting to successfully train for an endurance event. The training gives you a purpose in your life, gives your workouts more focus and tacking difficult assignments is good for the ego. On the other hand, it can be draining on a Friday night to know you have to run 18 miles or bike 60 miles or do both the next morning. Exercise can become a chore, not a religious ceremony.

And then there is vanity. To succeed in endurance events, you must be rail thin. Carrying excessive weight, whether it is muscle or fat, isn't good for half ironman times. But it is good for confidence (the muscle) and attracting the opposite sex. Again, no scientific studies to support this assertion.

Ringo the Zen Master

Ringo, seems like he has it all together. He knows exactly what he wants in life - food, attention, sleep, faces and hands to lick, occasional walks so he can pee and dump (and occassionally combine the dump with snack of the same) and a consistent flow of dog butts to smell. And he goes after it without any apology or hesitation. There is none of the human genuflection and whining about what should be doing with my life, I am too busy, I owe to much money, I am not good looking enough.

It's not that Ringo gets everything that he wants. He hears "no Ringo" all day but it doesn't send him into a downward, whoa is me spiral of depression. He moves on to the next moment when he might hear yes. He doesn't base his current actions on past events, or worry about the future for which he has no control. All that matters to him is solving the present.

Screw Stephen Covey, Deepak Chopra and Tony Robbins. Ringo is my zen master.

Online Persona

There are lots of options for creating your persona in the Internet age. The one I am going for is the fitness obsessed, witty geek. I am not sure if this is exactly who I am but that's what I want others to perceive.

The methods of delivering this message are:

The blog - www.themerrilllife.blogspot.com. Given the narrow focus of my posts, and the sporadic nature of them, there isn't a huge audience. This aint no white people blog yet. Considerations: do I open up with personal, private details about my life to build the persona?

Facebook/Linked In - I still don't get this phenomena yet. I played the game - add as many people to my friend list as possible - but it's kind of ended there. Other then Scrabulous.

Twitter (merrillfr) - I am loving this so far. It is the perfect solution for someone who gets bored at long conversations and would prefer exchanging one sentence quips. Of course a lot of people are not the best quippers - unless discussing how busy they are is considered riveting.

Podcast - My podcast is now approaching 100 downloads a week. Nothing Nielsen worthy yet but I think this means the audience is more then just friends. The personality hasn't really been injected in it yet; I haven't opened up myself Howard Stern style yet. And I don't know if that would even be interesting.


The challenge is now how to link all the techniques above to become famous. Because, in reality, that is the goal.

Ode to New Resource Bank

The beauty about exercise is that there is not really any downside to it. You look hot, you can eat as much as you want, it gives you confidence, it's a legitimate hobby, etc. The New Resource Bank is a similiar no brainer. I joined the bank about two months ago driven by two things.

First, the bank is dedicated to environmental issues, both in its operations (e.g., small global footprint, LEED certified headquarters) and in its decisions on the businesses with which it does business. This makes me feel good, that I am in small way making a difference.

Second, this focus on green issues is not at the expense of a customer-focused approach. While they are growing quickly, they treat each customer like they are important, as opposed to Wells Fargo's "I don't care about you, customer 1,222,444" approach. And get this. Even though they have much fewer assets than Wells, they charge no monthly fees AND reinburse any ATM fees incurred from competitor's machines.

They had me at hello.

I'm finally mobile

I have figured out how to use mobile blogger. Live scene from my power office.

Merrill and Sam

Merrill and Sam - January 2008 in Hunter, NY

What now?

Whenever I am in the middle of the all consuming training for an endurance event like a marathon or a triathlon, I can't wait for it to be over so I can return to more normal, singular daily workouts in which I can seek pure fitness and fun. And then the minute I finish the race and am working out without a specific goal, I start to feel aimless. This Catch 22 situation is compounded by three other factors.

1) It is really hard for me to peak for a specific race because I have an addictive and insecure personality. If I workout for less than 45 minutes, I feel anxious, bloated and lethargic. Miss one workout and I feel like my whole "endurance guy" persona is a fraud, my abs soft and my will to get up at 5:00 am damaged. With this baggage to deal with, I am not particularly good at tapering before a race or resting when sick or injured. I know this hurts my race performance but my psyche is willing to concede a few minutes for the emotional fix of the daily workout.

2) In the last year, I have learned that doing a race a second or third time, particularly if I did well the first time, is not fun. Vineman 2007 and the 2007 New York Marathon were nowhere near as fun as the first time I did them. I am not sure if I am bored of doing the same distances (half ironman, half marathon, marathon) as well or if I need to do completely new races. Whatever it is, there is currently no race out there that has me excited.

3) I am getting old and am probably about to start slowing down. I am not sure if it is the residual affects of the January flu, running in the winter morning or the December hamstring problem but my habitual 8 mile run has gotten slower by a minute or two. I will give it a month to see if I recover before panicking.

So I am searching for the next endurance fix.

Parenting

Ben has now reached 14 and his gift to me is he doesn’t like me. I encroach on his freedom, his independence, his cool factor. The group message is that this is the normal rite of passage for a teenager but it is hard not to take it personally. To accept that the boy who I have watched grow from a tiny little baby is now permanently angry at me and there is nothing I can do to change this other than bribery and gifts. It is payback or the way I acted to my parents as a 14-21 year old but that doesn’t make it easier to take.

The counterweight to this is that Sam still likes being with me. We just spent an awesome weekend together snow boarding, discussing sports, going to his basketball game where he was awesome, watching movies and bonding. He even told me he loves me in response to my many similar proclamations. Of course part of me thinks that this can’t last, that his teenage years are coming and I’ll get shunned for a second time. But I am relishing the time while I got it.

I know that I can’t take it personally – that being a good father is not about being liked, it’s about respect and being a good role model. But it is hard not to let my emotions run rampant when one of the two most important people in the world doesn’t want to be with me and there is nothing I have done other than exist.

Of course I am compounding this by reading the uplifting book The Road.

Update

In Kingston, NY Holiday Inn skimming free WiFi, waiting to go on client calls. Random thoughts.

• The Shield is the best TV cop show ever, beating my previous passion, Hill Street Blues, by a mile. Mackey, the main character and dirty cop is even more lovable and hateable than Tony Soprano. I am going to shave my head and fatten up my neck in his honor.

• I don't get Facebook. I thought I did, that it was a passive aggressive way to keep up with a few of your real friends, pretend to have some type of relationship with hundreds of others and engage in exciting activities like online scrabble. But after a few months of this ground breaking activity, it has ceased to be a buzz creator. Microsoft must be freaking over their investment. At least the value of Yahoo! makes sense.

• The audience for the Hack and the Flack has almost doubled in the last two months. OK - that means it has gone from 22 to 44 faithful downloaders but the stats don't lie. I think its time to do some news breaking on it to really drive traffic. My attempt to tie Lance to the murder of Heath Ledger (Mary Kate Olsen was supposed to be the smoking gun in a vicious love triangle) didn't have the desired effect.


• I am the ultimate front runner sports fan. No sooner did the Patriots lose to the Giants in the Super Bowl then I was writing them off as joyless cheaters. Brady still might be a great quarterback but his limping with flowers, yapping at Giselle's heels and his quiet, solo pondering on the bench took him out of the Jeter room of greatness. Jeter doesn't genuflect on the bench, he leaps to the top of the dugout to congratulate his teammates.

• I can't make a decision on Hillary vs Barack. OK - I did make a decision and voted for Barack in the Calif primary after listening to Slate podcast comparing him to Bobby and John but he is not inspiring me with his constant not red, not blue but united cliche. Barack is supposedly the inspirer, Hillary the doer. Inspirers can win nominations but can they govern. West Virginia voters will decide on May 18 - can't wait for another three months of over analysis.

• I am almost back to my normal level of endurance. From Thanksgiving to late January I suffered a hamstring pull and flu/bronchitis that had me miss two, count them two days of exercise. Somehow I survived this crisis without alientating Rebecca or my friends.

Specificity of Sport

Running and lifting everyday does not really prepare you for anything other than being able to run and lift everyday. Sure, there is the race across the airport to catch a plane or the challenge of opening a bottle top but they are few and far between.

But then there is a test. A touch football game. That seems like a good challenge for a 42-year old against a bunch of late 20 somethings (a handicap I face in dating a late 20 something woman). Unfortunately, the above paragraph still applies. So despite my teammates exhorting everyone to "get the ball the Ironman, he is really fast," we were crushed and I did little to help. In football there are no 3rd and 7.5 miles and blocking a 200 pound person is not at all like benchpressing 200 pounds. So for all the good working out did me on the football field, I might as well have been drinking, smoking and eating lots of french fries (wait, I already do that).

Plus I have a sore hamstring to boot.

Super Jews

Last night I went to a Friday dinner with a bunch of people I refer to as Super Jews, people who believe and observe the customs of Judaism with a serious commitment. I do have a number of Jewish friends but almost all of them share my apathy/agnosticism so I was borderline shocked that there exist people under 40 who act like a character from Fiddler on the Roof. I have nothing against it - it just came as a shock. Who knew there were after dinner prayers, the religious liquour.

After leaving the dinner, I got in a debate with my girlfriend on whether or not I understood the source of the Super Jews passion. I think that I do, that it is relatively the same level of spirtuality I feel during an endorphin rush or when I hang out with Ben and Sam or listen to the B-52s. It defines my purpose for being here, what drives me each day.

Which got me to thinking about my contemplation on adding more activities or interests to my repertoire. Get out of the box. But is that really the issue. Do I need to do more stuff or be more committed to what stirs me? Pursue my own form of religion, not add others.

Just start talking

If you have nothing to say, then just start talking and you'll end up saying something. 42 years old, no visible inprint or mark left on society. Yet.

It's 8:01 p.m. and it is no longer time for practice or planning. That can still be done but not as the step, but a step. Just start moving, with each step having a purpose but it not being about landing.

I swear this will make sense.

House

The thing that fascinates me about House, the latest medical TV drama, is that the hero has deep passion for his career but pursues it without a care for how he is perceived or for others rules or moral codes. The purity for what he is doing and for how he does it is bizarre and inspiring.

There are lots of real Houses. There is my girlfriend's enormous passion and love for her family, my emotional dejection at a poor marathon followed by the reinvigoration of the desire to go after it yet again, my rebonding with my two boys every time I see them, and the rare client who sees their company and job as more than a paycheck or resume builder.

It means no compromise, no 2nd place, no fear of consequences. It means 3.19.59, emotional vulnerability, no cable and and no time clock.

Imitation is the best form of flattery

When I admire or worship someone, my natural inclination is to copy them. Admire Lance, do triathlons. Dare to be a succesful white male. Wear black slacks and blue shirts. Love PTI and The Gabfest podcasts, start one of my own.

Well, actually, Mike Myser, a good buddy of mine and I started a podcast a few months ago to discuss the three key news items of the week (tech, sports, politics). After four episodes, and three dedicated listeners, Mike convinced Gelf Magazine to pick up the podcast.

Let the fame begin!

New Podcast

This could be the last Myser-Freund Podcast before it is picked up by a leading online magazine. Swear to God.

http://hackandflack.podcastpeople.com/

Weak Mind

I won’t go into the details of the latest endurance fiasco at Vineman for the same reason I won’t watch Holocaust movies. I know it will be painful to relive it so what’s the point. The one statement I will make is it wasn’t cramps, dehydration or a lack of fitness that did me in. Instead, it was my Achilles mind. Again.

There are people with issues that affect their ability to succeed by either their own or societal standards. It is hard to overcome depression, attention deficit order, or lack of stupidity without magic pills or tutors.

In an attempt to cover up my glaring weakness, I have used ADD as an excuse for why I can’t sit still or maintain focus for a specific project for more than five minutes at a time. But I don’t really think I have ADD. I think my medical condition is a weak mind. I don’t think that I am unintelligent or lack creativity. I just think that I bail out of situations when they become tense or painful, primarily in two areas.

Endurance sports – Unless I am incredibly prepared for an event (e.g., Wildflower and Sacramento Marathon 2006), I stop giving my best effort at the first sign of physical stress. Not even Creatine can save the day for me. Sure, I can take solace in the fact that my mind is strong enough to get up every morning to run 8-10 miles or lift weights, but I really am looking for emotional satisfaction by passing tests such as marathons and triathlons and am coming up empty half the time.

Emotional relationships – One of my goals is to get closer to people (friends, parents, girlfriends) but part of this requires dealing with the painful part of the relationship. Tackling the tough issues (e.g., I wish you didn’t treat me that way, say hello to my vulnerable side, etc.). And I avoid these situations like the plague, to avoid painful emotions. To my detriment.

These are issues I intend to conquer before the New York Marathon and way before Ironman Florida 2008.

Performance Enhancers

For the .03 percent of the people who follow professional cycling, there is a lot of angst on the state of the sport given all of the admissions and investigations of "cheaters." Before anyone engages in the debate, they should take Creatine for a month.

I have been taking it for the last three months, and, embarrasingly know little about it other than the generic definitions. However, I do know that it works. Nate convinced me to try it and I have gotten noticeably stronger in bench pressing, curling, etc. and am close to the magical 175 pounds. Hopefully there are no side effects other than increased levels of self absorption, but I was already in that state so its hard to notice the difference.

Now that I have experienced the effects of performance enhancing drugs, I have new sympathy for Jan Ulrich and Ivan Basso. If you knew a great performance was just a tablespoon away, and the only physical risk was to yourself, would you fight the temptation? Not only would you win a fortune, but hundreds of thousands of people would genuflect as you rode by at your strength, endurance and mental tenacity. How can you fight that? A minor compliment from me at work sends me into my office to do pushups so the potential of a nation worshipping me would have me doing anything to get it.

Rather than fighting the use of performance enhancing drugs, sports should embrace them. People watch football, the Tour de France and the Olympics to see freakish athletes perform incredible physical acts. Let's see how far they can go. And the potential side effects will only make it more interesting. Imagine the Nielsen Ratings for the Tour de France stage if there was a chance someone could go flying down a 3,000 foot Alpine drop after suffering an EPO-induced brain aneurysm? Tragic yes, but they made the decision on their own to tempt the health gods. Maybe Versus and the NHL should encourage drug use and potential on ice heart attacks to save its ratings and its sport. People love watching hockey fights, so let's take it a step further.

Off for another teaspoon of the legally acquired Creatine.

Launch of the Merrill and Mike Podcast

http://hackandflack.podcastpeople.com/

Creatine and Superheros

Explanation forthcoming

Merrill 2.0

What happens when you reach 42 years old and you have pretty much accomplished your goals. Clearly you didn’t have enough of them. It’s time for the quick reinvention, time to build a new list.

The new list can’t be an incremental growth to the last one. No studies in minutia like lowering my marathon time by 2%. Although 3.5% weight gains are acceptable.

What are the big themes in Merrill 2.0? It’s kind of like being the president in the second term when you are thinking about how will history teachers explain your legacy. To be morbid, do I really want my tombstone to say “He was in better shape than other people his age” or “His clients got a crap load of coverage?” Probably not. That can be in paragraph nine of the Times obituary.

I am not saying I need to start from scratch. I do have skills, however niche or obscure you would like to classify them.

I can write a press release on the impact of next generation open source application servers and make it almost interesting. I can run 8 miles every other morning and describe it with the same level of enthusiasm to the same people at the same time every other day. I can hold the attention of a room for at least 3 minutes before I get bored of hearing myself talk. I can discuss the benefits of Creatine for two straight weeks without buying it at the GNC across the street.

In short I have useful skills that can be transferred to important tasks. Monumental tasks.
Like what?

I am unique

As a kid, I had issues with my name. Merrill Freund. It doesn't project any specific image other than "dude, that's a strange name." I wanted to be Bud or Jim. Something with a masculine ring to it. Somebody from Mission Impossible. But no. I was Merrill. Or Merl. Or Merrill the Peril.

But now I am older, trapped in a sea of homogeneity. I live in San Francisco, work in the high tech industry, am a white, 42 year old male who wears blacks slacks and blue shirts and spends his day leveraging, lacking bandwidth, developing strategic plans and crossing the chasm. In short, I am a statistic.

But my name isn't. There are no Merrill Freund's listed in the United States. None. I am not a trend or a pattern.

See for yourself. I am unique!

Choices

To avoid making exercise seem like a mindless pursuit but one with a purpose, it is important to have significant goals. They do not have to be as noble as raising money to cure cancer, or attaining inner peace and self-knowledge although that would be nice. They merely have to be enough of a motivation that it will drive you out of bed or away from the TV to work out. Because if you do reach it, you will be overcome by waves of satisfaction.

I am currently struggling to define goals that will produce this sensation. The debate centers on three choices;

1) Numbers. Given that I have completed a half Ironman and Ironman, and finally went sub- 3.30 for the marathon, any advancements in time for these distances will now be incremental. Setting personal records at any distance is satisfying. However, pushing myself on a 50-mile training ride in the hope of lowering my Vineman time from 5.47 to 5.35 seems slightly trivial.

2) Body. At six feet and 172 pounds, I am on middle ground. I am bigger than most competitive triathletes (a group to which I do not belong) but skinnier than the societal definition of buff. In short, I have recently been feeling too skinny. As I get older, I will start losing muscle mass and will probably become skinnier unless I change patterns. As in eat more and lift more to get to 180. Of course, this extra eight-to-10 pounds will directly affect my ability to hit the numbers.

3) Form. While I am a decent runner, I am a terrible swimmer, and below average biker. Rather than maintaining my asinine training approach to swimming of churning inefficient miles and expecting improvement, I should join a masters swim club and actually learn to swim. And even nail flip turns. Now that would be satisfying.

Choosing between the three does not have to be either/or. Step one in the process; go to Koret Center this afternoon, sign up for a masters swim program and weigh myself.

Life is a negative split

In this morning's Kaiser Half Marathon, I achieved the exalted negative split, running the second half of the race faster than the first (44.26 for the first 6 miles or 7.24 pace, 49.32 for the last 7.1 or 6.58 pace). I could play it as an example of my brilliant pacing or ability to fight through the accumulation of pain.

However, I think it's more the case that I do not warm up properly for races and the first 2-3 miles end up as a warmup. The last 3 miles should not feel easier than the last 3 but they usually do. I am more than happy with my 1.33.58 time, and it is a huge psychological boost to finish a race so strong, passing and not being passed over the last 4 miles. Still , I am leaving seconds and minutes on the course and if I am going to ever break 1 hour 30 minutes for the half, this type of racing will not cut it.

Warming up, stretching, speed work, etc . do not require deep scientific research or analysis but it does require me to think. And that is one of the reasons I love lifting and endurance sports. They do not require thought, just effort. Fire, ready, aim.

What do I want?

Climbing out of the rut

Autopilot is not a state I particularly relish inhabiting. My job, my endurance routine, my relationships, my everything currently exist in this plain. I continue to work relatively hard, I am still running 35 miles a week, lifting the same amount, hanging out with my friends and family but something has been missing.

In short I am in a big, ugly rut. While I embrace the routine, it has become extreme. (Non sequitor; I just noticed BusinessWeek now costs $4.99 an issue. Since when does it cost that much?)

The Kaiser Half Marathon, two hours from now, will be a good emotional amphetamine. I suspect I have been in a post marathon malaise since December 3 so this should help.

But I need more than that. More significant changes are required. An initial stab.

1) Ben and Sam. I go back and forth with Jessie on whether or not she is going to move out here with the boys or stay in Woodstock. Regardless if this happens, I need a definitive, actionable plan that is going to get me in front of the boys on a more regular basis. In Woodstock or in San Francisco.

2) Learn to surf. Four five years, I thought about doing a triathlon before I actually did one. I have reached that same anniversary with surfing. It has all the requirements I love; cool gear, promotes the outdoor lifestyle, triggers in its disciples an over analysis of its emotional and psychological tenants, and the ladies dig it.

3) Move to Marin. I love the Bay Area but have mostly been exposed to just the San Francisco side of it. I am not a city man at heart. I am not shutting the bars down at 1:00 am and I don't attend gallery openings. The best place I ever lived was Boulder; parts of Marin are a lot like Mecca. Plus I'll need a car and can finally live out my Wrangler fantasy.

4) Push my workouts to a higher level. Since the California International Marathon, my workouts have lacked purpose. I have been doing the same distance runs and lifting the same amount of weight but there is no fire. I am adding that clarity. The big four goals for the next 18 months:

a) Break 5 hours and 30 minutes at Vineman
b) Qualify for Boston (sub 3.20) in 2007, presumably at New York.
c) Increase weight to 180, without increasing the 8.8 % body fat
d) Break 12 hours at an Ironman.

5) Make a difference at work. Much like in my workouts, I have lacked a purpose or goal at work. My performance has been acceptable but I am treading water, going nowhere. I need to identify how to grow my career, how to challenge myself to jump out of the box in which I am currently operating. To impress me.

6) Open up. Rather than becoming more brave emotionally as I get older, I am moving in reverse. I am increasingly avoiding situations which I think will make me feel vulnerable. No more.

The plan starts in 90 minutes. Break 1.35 for the half.

2007 - Year of Risk

For whatever reason that will never be dug up by a shrink, I am not someone who likes to expose themselves to great emotional risk. Whether it is at work, in relationships or in endurance events, I am not comfortable taking on big challenges. And this is not good.

The Job
I have had the same job for the last 11 years. While there are good reasons for this situation (i.e., I like it, make good money, am a proven commodity/job security), it is also because it is familiar and predictable. I know what I am doing and have mastered all of the essential skills years ago. A new job would require me to leave my comfort zone. While I am confident enough to think I would succeed, it would entail far greater risk than I currently face.

The relationships
While I have friendships that I consider to be meaningful, they could be much stronger. The barrier? I lack inherent emotional trust. I assume that people are going to let me down at some point . To avoid the inevitable, I put up a wall to prevent reaching that point. If I don't put myself out there, I can't get hurt. This partially explains my recent dating paloozza.

The Races
While I am in shape and have achieved respectable times for endurance events, I am not willing to push myself to reach loftier accomplishments. While at some level it is to avoid greater physical stress, it is also fear that I won't have the mental and physical strength and skill to reach the goal. Finally breaking three hours, thirty minutes for the marathon felt great but I didn't have to train much different from the way I always have. Running sub-3.20 would require I move out of my comfort zone and open myself up to potential failure. Hate that word.

But I have reached the point that I can accept the pain of failure or rejection. I welcome it. Bring it on because it is time for riding the waves at Bells Beach.

Pursuing my goals

I have the usual plethora of New Year's Goals, of which only a few are race related. However, I am currently unsure if I actually am motivated to pursue these time specific goals, and the more intense training that this will require.

My growing apathy at pursuing these number-focused goals boils down to the specific reasons I work out. Not sure if the below are in order of importance.

1) Vanity. I can't say that I am proud of this but I judge people to a certain extent, including myself, by appearances. Fear of gaining weight (fat) and atrophying (losing muscle) are a primary reason that I get out of bed each morning to workout in the dark.

2) Meaning. As I approached my 5th decade, I was still struggling to find an activity that I could call my hobby. After training for marathons and triathlons, and loving the process, I realized that endurance sports were it. Phew.

3) Rebel. No one wants to feel like a faceless drone, living the exact same life as everyone else. Working out at 5:00 am provides me with some level of differentiation from the Babbitts of the world. The ceaseless mocking I get at work for going to sleep by 9:00 pm is like an English Beat song to my ears. Of course, in a world in which everyone is now training for an Ironman or ultramarathon and documenting the experience online, my endurance bit is losing its steam.

4) Fun. In one out of every four workouts, the endorphin rush overcomes the physical pain of exertion and the run/bike/swim/lifting experience is actually enjoyable. There is something to be said for having fun in the second hour of a workout.

5) Drive. Inside me, not particularly deep, lurks a lazy man, a reality version of Doug Heffernan. Working out daily balances my inner Doug, and transfers my motivation to the cerebral part of my life. Without my commitment to exercise, I would be 50 pounds overweight, unemployed, and in a deep relationship with the On Demand button.

6) Fitness. It feels great to be in shape. Physical well being directly ties to mental and emotional stability. I have reached a level of fitness with which I am happy. I love being able to rattle off an 8 mile, sub 64 minute run or bench 200 pounds 10 times anytime I want.

7) Goals. I like my job a lot but I don't have any clear, defined career goals that drive me. Identifying races to finish, times to achieve provides me with clear, linear goals that compliment my less measurable ones (e.g., be the best dad, be a better friend, achieve inner chi). As a wanna be anal retentive, it is important that I be able to judge myself by arbitrary numbers.

The basic conflict lies between numbers 6 and 7. Given my fitness level, my workouts are impressive to me but do not require tremendous levels of exertion. In short I am not improving becoming I am not pushing myself. The question is whether the increased level of pain it would require to go sub 3.20 for the marathon or break 12 for the Ironman is worth it. Will it still be fun, bring the same level of meaning to my life and maintain the drive to get out of bed at 4:30 am?

Parenting

I am at JFK Airport on my way back to San Francisco after an amazing nine days in at Hunter Mountain with Ben and Sam. Despite zero natural snow on the Northeast, we got in an awesome week of skiing/snow boarding. I love my life in San Francisco but being with the boys makes me happier and more fulfilled than anything else in the world, and dampens my return home. Fortunately, my campaign to convince Jessie to move to California is picking up steam; it is definitely the goal I will nail in 2007.

As a father of a 12 and 10 year old boys, I struggle with the role I should play (role model, disciplinarian, entertainer, etc.) Obviously it is not an either/or situation; parenting requires several approaches. However, since I am not with them every day (at least for now), the traditional parental role is not one I can easily adopt. If I am back East for only two days, does it make sense to punish them for the weekend if they misbehave? How can I build a meaningful relationship if I am viewed as the visiting professor of punishment? Two questions I ask myself in judging my parental decisions are: 1) Would I be happy to have me as a father and; 2) Can Ben and Sam understand the reasoning behind my decisions and will it help them in the short and long term? I can’t say the answers to these questions are always yes but I am way above the Mendoza Line.

There were some great moments this weekend. Every night when I went to sleep two hours before they did, both Ben and Sam repeatedly said “Night dad, I love you.” Huge. Best five words in the world. They also both started doing pushups and situps each night, a sign that my fitness lifestyle is rubbing off on them. And neither of them asked to have a friend sleep over, which I take as a sign that they wanted to spend quality time with me. Ben did ask if Charlie, a 14-year old New Jersey snowboarder who I hate, could sleep over, but luckily Ben realized before asking that he hates him too.

Now that is bonding.

You believe in miracles...Yes

The impossible can happen. The Washington Generals win. Charlie Brown kicks the ball. A Democratic Presidential candidates from Massachusetts runs an intelligent campaign. Beth acts magnanimous on Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

It happened today. 25 years after my first race in high school indoor track, I shocked myself by finally calling on mental strength that I had given up on ever tapping, and shattered the 3 hour 30 minute barrier at the California International Marathon by over two minutes.

While I felt more mentally prepared for this marathon than any other, it was a Mark Allen, the six-time Ironman winner and god, interview I listened to yesterday that added the icing on the cake. His two thoughts ; pain is only a momentary feeling and can pass, and endurance events are when you discover what kind of person you are.

When my calves started to get predictably tight and cramp at mile 12, Allen's words got me through the pain. When my right quad started to go at mile 22, I just focused on the moment, temporarily abandoned my numbers game (e.g., only 4 to go, that's a short run in Golden Gate Park) and concentrated on the moment. And with 2 miles to go, when I began to contemplate walking in some freakish 2nd grade deja vu (Laurel Pines Country Club, Maryland, summer of 1972 I quit the two-lap test to qualify to go off the diving board with 10 strokes to go), I shut off my mind and just ran.

I was extremely ready for this race physically. My training went well, I didn't get sick and I was rested. But I can say that about San Francisco Marathon 2001, Vineman Half Ironman 2004, Wildflower Half Ironman 2006 and Lake Placid Ironman 2006. I was ready for each of those. But when fatigue and/or cramps set in, I gave in. Maybe not completely like at Wildflower where I only walked from mile 11 to 12, but on some level. In short, I have never gone to sleep after a race over a half marathon thinking I pushed myself further than I thought I could. I have never tasted the satisfaction of real achievement.

Until today. Running strong the last ten miles (I basically ran even splits the entire race) went against everything I have ever done in a marathon. When I ran under the finish line clock at 3.28.05 (I'm guessing 30 seconds to start) I was seriously choked up, like the last scene of Field of Dreams. Or the latest sappy AT&T commercial.

I am not sure if today was an aberration. But in every race I ever do again I want to recapture the feeling of the California International Marathon, December 3, 2006.

24 hours to go

24 hours to go until the California International Marathon and I am, without a doubt, the most prepared, physically, mentally and emotionally that I have been for a marathon. It is not a question of will I break 3 hours 30 minutes, but how good will I feel I doing it.

The rational for this confidence.

1) By the numbers. I am coming off three-to-four months of very consistent training, including:

• averaging 38 miles a week running only four days a week (the big five being 46, 42, 42, 41, 41)
• long runs of 11 miles a week (the big five being 19, 17, 16, 12 and 12)
• running a 12k race two months ago at 7.01 pace (the day after a hard 10 mile run)
• running my final long run, 19 miles, at 3.25 marathon pace despite purposefully trying to run slower than 3.30 pace the entire time
• I have run every single step the last four months faster than eight minute/mile pace.

2) The focus. There is something to be said for running races for fun. However, there will be no distractions tomorrow. If I start to feel discomfort, I am not going to justify slowing down as a search for more pleasant feelings. It's all or nothing.

3) Camaraderie. Rather than seclude myself in my hotel room in Sacramento (as if the cultural wonder of the state capital isn't enough of a temptation), I am going to hang out with members of the SF Tri Club. I can now comfortably admit that I am one of them.

4) The course.

Nuff said.

5) Inspiration. A month ago, Lance and my dad put on performances for the ages at the NY Marathon. Lance broke three hours, my dad nailed four hours and thirty nine minutes in his first marathon after only two years of running. I am taking the baton and will bring it home in style.

6) For fallen comrades. OK, this is exaggeration. I signed up for the race with two co-workers. Ari succumbed to a bad ankle, and Gina. Well Gina ran a great half marathon, and then crumbled under the expectations of the marathon. God bless her.

7) Positive thoughts. I am not inherently a positive person. The glass is half full but I don't think I necessarily will do a great job of chugging it. No more. There is no chance I will fail to achieve my goal of sub 3 hours 30 minutes. Failure is not an option.

8) The clock. I will be an endurance athlete for the rest of my life but the window is slowly narrowing on achieving my time-related goals.

The big four are

Half Marathon: 1 hour 29 minutes (best is 1.32)
Marathon: Qualify for Boston/3 hours 20 minutes (best is 3.37)
Half Ironman: Five hours 29 minutes (best is 5.47)
Ironman: 11 hours 59 minutes best is 13.28)



No more time to screw around.

It's over. Eight ball corner pocket. The fat lady is singing.

The New York Marathon

Yesterday was the first time I attended a major endurance event as a spectator and I came away from the day more inspired than if I had done it myself. For pure emotion, the New York City Marathon is the most incredible event in the world and I intend to run it every year that I get in until I can't run anymore

Reasons to be inspired, part three.

1) After only two years of running, my dad destroyed the course in 4 hours 39 minutes. This from someone who has seen me run countless races and always proclaimed that I was crazy. Who two years ago scoffed at the idea of running more than three miles. Who five months ago dreaded the idea after his first hot half marathon. Who cautiously was not ready to commit to actually doing it until two weeks before the race. Well he did it and I think he is incredible. He'll deny it but he will be on the starting line in 2007.

2) The average triathlete, particularly Ironman participant, is me. A 41-year old white male, white collar worker. There is nothing wrong with this but how inspirational is it to look next to you in a race and see you. Standing at the 24 mile mark of the New York Marathon was like watching a cheesy John Kerry '04 ad but it wasn't staged. Fat people, skinny people, old, young, black, white, Asian, Hispanic, they were all there. Some of the fat people looked great, the skinny people dead on their feet. Running is the sport of the people.

3) Lance has moved beyond celebrity to a place where Tiger, Michael and Ali never crossed. He does things that amaze and inspire in part because they are so human. The celebrity as marathoner is nothing new. Diddy did it two years ago, Oprah before that. But they were a footnote to the race. Yes I am obsessed with Lance and hyperaware of any mention of him. However, he was THE story of the 2006 NY Marathon. There was the Lance cam, the headlines, the crowd attention. It was incredible.

4) Ironman races take over the communities in which they are held but this isn't shocking. Lake Placid, Kona, Panama City and Coeur D'Alene are blips on the map. The NY Marathon takes over a city of 10-20 million, for a weekend. Everyone is a fan of the marathon and the human spirit in NYC in late October/November.

Everyone should do the NY Marathon once in their life. It is a transcendent event; I am committed to crossing the finish line next November at 1:09 pm.

When it's no longer about having fun

On December 3 I am running the Sacramento International Marathon, my latest attempt to run a decent 26.2 miles. I'm back to try yet again.

In the last five years I have run four marathons, San Diego and San Francisco in 2001, New York in 2005, and Lake Placid as part of the Ironman, and crashed and burned training for the Rock and Roll Marathon in 2003. My problems basically boil down to two things; 1) I have not been strong enough to fight through the mental and physical pain that hits around the 19-20 mile mark, which is compounded by the fact that; 2) I end up hurting myself training for the race after I have done a few 16+ mile runs. This exacerbates problem 1.

It's five weeks to go before Sactown, and I have done a 15 and 17 mile run. So far, so good. If I can nail a 20 miler two weeks before the marathon, and overcome problem number two, I think I can tackle number 1.

Which raises the question of my goal for the race. I have waxed poetic about the need to have three goals in a race, each increasingly hard so, at the very least, you will have some level of satisfaction after the race. Plus there is always the philosophy repeated ad nauseam that "the journey is more important than the destination." All of this is true, but not for this race.

December 3 all boils down to one thing - breaking 3 hours, 30 minutes. Since 2001, this has been my marathon goal. I came closest at San Fran '01 when I was on 3.24 pace until I blew up mentally with 6 miles to go and crawled home seven minutes too late. All the formulas (e.g., double your half marathon, add 10 minutes, the Yasso workout) all indicate I should be able to it but I haven't. And I really really want to do it. I feel like this is the key to the rest of my endurance kingdom, the sub-12 hour Ironman, the sub 90 minute half marathon, the five minute wall squat, etc.

So I say shove it to the "fun experience", the "personal best", the "competitive positioning in my age group." None of it matters. On December 3 it all comes down to three digits. I will judge myself by the hours and the minutes.

All or nothing.

San Francisco versus Woodstock

VERSUS

Hypothetically speaking, if you lived in Woodstock, NY, and were considering moving to San Francisco, what would be the pros and cons to the decision. To help provide some context and guidance to the list, you are an active woman (triathlete, skiier, hiker) with 12-year old and 10-year old boys. And their father lives in San Francisco. He's really cool.

PROS

1) Weather- San Francisco - 65 and partly sunny versus 20 degrees and sleet. And if you want summer live in Marin and you'll have summer, where you'll also have much better school districts.

2) Scenery - San Francisco, Marin, Sonoma and Tahoe versus Catskills, NYC and the Adiriondacks.

3) State Schools - UCLA and Cal versus SUNY Albany and SUNY Binghamton.

4) Fast Food - In N Out, Baja Fresh and Buen Sabore versus McDonalds, Taco Bell and Taco Juan.

5) Skiing - Squaw versus Hunter.

6) Skateboarding and baseball - All year versus six months

7) 2,700 miles closer to dad

8) Positive energy of change versus inertia of the bubble

9) Wildflower versus Tinman

10) Big fish in the awesome Pacific versus big fish in a small pond

CONS
1) No immediate friends versus great friends

2) Hassle of moving

3) Three hour drive to Squaw versus 45 minute drive to Hunter

4) High cost of living

5) Yankees versus the A's

Avoiding the Hype

Maybe I am overly sensitive to information on Ironman races, but it seems like their popularity and hype has gone off the charts. The World Triathlon Corporation just announced a new race in Louisville, Kentucky, 2007 races like Canada, Wisconsin and Coeur D'Alene sold out in minutes and Kyndra and Tyler are even thinking of doing one. (shameless Laguna Beach plug).

After I did Lake Placid I was super pumped to do another Ironman realsoon but now I don't know. I can't decide how I feel about Ironman-branded races.

The positives
1) Successfully swimming 2.4 miles, biking 112 and running (well, sort of) is incredibly rewarding, especially after you dedicate lots of time to training and abandon friends and fun.

2) Ironman Lake Placid was a great experience because I got to share it with my family. Physical challenges not only bring out strength and committment, they also bring out fear and uncertainty, which opens you up emotionally as a person.

3) Human beings grow only when they are chasing a goal. It can be knitting a sweater, meditating for an hour straight, discovering the background of your 18th century Bohemian relative or breaking 12 hours for an Ironman. Goals brings a purpose to relatively random daily acts.

The negatives
1) With the ridiculous popularity of Ironman races, the individuality of the challenge is disappearing. As a 41-year old white male working in the tech industry in the Bay area, it is almost required by law that I participate in endurance sports. We are all turning into sheep, spouting the same platitudes about discovering our inner chi through training, appreciating changes in seasons, blah, blah, blah. I mean how many Ironman bloggers do there need to be, either listings workouts down to the minute detail or railing against imaginary critics when they don't finish a race and feel their experience might be perceived as diminished. Obviously I am one of the guilty ones.

2) I feel like we are all trying to buy meaning in our lives. Pay $20,000 and hike in Nepal, pay $5,000 for entry fees, coaching, travel and equipment and do an Ironman. It's adventure in a can. Are we all becoming Sandy Hill Pittmans.

3) Spending 15 hours or more a week exercising is a great way to avoid facing bigger issues in your life. If my abs are rock hard or I successfully completed the hard workout this week, then I don't have to feel bad when I don't have control on the more important parts of my life. How is this different than drug addiction?

Strangely I don't feel at conflict when it comes to running. This is because so many people have done at least a half marathon that it is not viewed as a big deal anymore. Which is good. Running a marathon is a huge accomplishment for anyone, yet these people do not parade around with the same tude that Ironpeople do.

Running is more the sport of the people, Ironman of the elite. And I'd rather be a man of the people anyday. Albeit, one who has done Ironman.

Quiz time

Is this me or Lance?

Random topics

1. Debunking the 20 mile run. Right before going on a 10 mile run this morning, I read an article that questioned the value of the 20 mile run, a presumably critical workout to successfully complete a marathon. The article quite persuasively argues that it is not necessary, and that a 16 mile run is sufficient. Rather than resting before and after a long run of 20 miles, this training approach has you running hard before and after the shorter long run to simulate the stress and fatigue of the marathon. For example, before a 16 miler, run 10 miles the day before so your legs are already tired when you start the 16 miler. This is a huge revelation for me as I get ready for the Sacramento Marathon. I can tolerate a 16-18 mile run, but I detest the 20 miler, both for the mental boredom and because I always get injured doing them. No more!

2. City versus country run. I have lived in both cities (Chicago, San Francisco), small cities (Boulder) and the burbs (Sudbury, Mass., Millwood, NY) so I have experienced different running environments. I definitely prefer city running as there is more visual stimuli to occupy my mind and more fellow runners with whom I can measure myself. The catch is that I be able to run with no impact from traffic. For example, on Thursday I ran along the Seattle Harbor, and did not face any traffic lights or street corners. It was awesome, running by the Aquarium, Ferry Building and through a train yard.

3. Running alone. After running 10.5 miles with Gina yesterday, the verdict is in; I am a social runner. Even though our pace was pretty close to my normal runs, I felt much better and had much more fun. I could even deal with periods of silence (usually I freak out at lulls in conversation) because these were a result of a lack of oxygen rather than a lack of inventory of conversational bits. I might even go to a Nike weekend run and run with the hordes(unprecedented).

4. Busy. If or when I become president, I am going to have the word busy removed from the dictionary. It has no meaning but is the most overused word in the language. As in I am too busy to work out, read, go out for drinks, accept this work assignment, cook, etc. These are all PC ways of saying "It is not important or fun enough for me to do this. I'd rather be doing something else." Let's stop claiming we are superpeople with acked agendas and let everyone know where they stand in our list of priorities.

5. The 12 hour work day. I am often compelled to work more than eight hours a day to
make up for my lack of efficiency and the fact that I am easily distracted (i.e., welcome them). Therefore I feel I can state with great expertise that people who habitually work more than nine hours a day do it because they are either a) inefficient like me and doing eight hours of work in 12 hours; b) in love with their job so do it willingly; c) using work as an excuse to escape from or avoid their personal life or d) trying to get ahead by impressing people with their long hours. There are of course exceptions but 87% of the workforce fits within these four buckets.

6. Spectator versus competitor. A couple of days ago I was making conversation with a client, and asked them if they were a fan of their local baseball team. They said no, they'd rather participate in sports than watch them. Is it a choice? Can't they enjoy playing basketball and watching people who are much better than you play? Can't you watch Lance bike 120 miles up the Pyrenees and then go for a 50 mile ride yourself out of inspiration. Does it make people feel lazy to watch others exercise? Does this go against their type A personalities?

Strangely enough, I am probably the most obsessed sports fan who doesn't actually watch any events but not because I would rather be doing them. Either I am not emotionally invested in the teams so I get bored or I am too emotionally invested (e.g., Michael Jordan, Yankees, Steffi Graf, Lance Armstrong) and get sick to my stomach watching. For example, I could barely turn on the Yankee-Red Sox game yesterday in the 8th inning even though the Yankees were up 13-5. Color me the pessimistic sports fan.

7. Organized room, organized mind. At the end of the summer before 10th grade, I made the huge mistake of telling my mom that a clean room was indicative of my state of mind. Organized life, focused mind. Thereafter, dirty laundry on the floor became indicative to her that I was not studying.

25 years later and I am still having this debate with myself. Does complete and total organization provide an ideal mental platform to focus on your work, life, etc. or is spending time to attain ultraorganization waste time in which you actually could be moving forward, not laterally?

8. Exercise without goals. As I was nearing the end of training for the Ironman, I was looking forward to working out with no goals, no focus. Rather than running 10 miles in the morning and swimming 1.5 mile at night, I could go for a six mile run in the morning and be happy with it, and not lose much in fitness. So after the Ironman was over, I almost immediately signed up for a marathon in December, imposing the same pressures on my training that I was looking forward to avoiding.

While it is clear that I love training for races and striving for increasingly competitive goals, it is also clear that training for the sake of health and wellness are not compelling enough reasons to get me out of bed at 5:00 am. I need to create time-sensitive events that force me into a "do it or you are screwed" ultimatum.

Food

Ben and Sam have labeled me an exercise bulimic; I exercise as a means to purge food out of my system in order to maintain some distorted view of my body. There is some degree of truth to this but my relationship with food cannot be reduced to one convenient psychological term. It goes way deeper than that.

In simple terms, I run to eat. There are many other reasons why I exercise but at the heart it is so I can eat with reduced concern or worry of becoming fat. I don't think this makes me an exercise bulimic. It is simply a way to take food guilt out of the equation, just as the perpetual jeans and gray t-shirt combo eliminates the need to genuflect over my wardrobe everyday.

If I was given truth serum and asked to name my number one passion in life, I would say food. Unlike things that are better when they are anticipated than when they are realized (e.g., birthday presents, baseball games, hot tubs) eating is always better than waiting to eat. I could never be clinically depressed for more than six hours, the amount of time I would have to wait before ordering a pizza which would make me instantly euphoric. I have never claimed to be a deep person.

I consider a big appetite to be the mark of a real man. A stud. Loved Brad Pitt's character in Ocean's 11. When my mom jokingly harasses me for doing the same annoying things now that I did when I was 14, it grates on me. Except when she is exasperated that she still can't cook enough for me. Then I beam. Eating 75 chicken wings to beat Bob Lukens in The Ground Round Challenge in college ranks up there with the Ironman among my proudest accomplishments.

Food allows me to pretend I am a renaissance man. I dabble in all of the classic civilizations (Greece, ancient Rome), maintain religious faith (the Deli), acknowledge the world's rising economies (India, Vietnam) and keep it real (fries, always the victory fries).

While I would not label my typical diet as unhealthy, it definitely lacks fruits and vegetables. Lots of burrittos, pizza, spaghetti, chicken and tuna and cereal. Despite constantly hearing that nutrition is the fourth leg of the Ironman, I can't get motivated to refocus it. My body never craves cauliflower but it does Corn Bran cereal (a hidden secret I can only find on Safeway.com). And I don't think I feel better eating diet that is conventionally healthy. I feel flat, lethargic and constantly hungry.

Also I think improving my diet would have the reciprocal effect of reducing my motivation to work out. If I had a salad and salmon for dinner instead of a 1,200 calorie burrito, would I be as motivated to run 8 miles the next morning to burn it out of my body? Would the reward of a fruit salad at the end of a hard weight session be as pure as Escape from New York Pizza ? I don't think so.

So yes Ben and Sam, my relationship between exercise and food does suggest some minor strain of bulimia but it goes way beyond that. Now that we've got that straight I can now move on to explaining why skiing kicks snowboarding's ass.