Parenting

Ben has now reached 14 and his gift to me is he doesn’t like me. I encroach on his freedom, his independence, his cool factor. The group message is that this is the normal rite of passage for a teenager but it is hard not to take it personally. To accept that the boy who I have watched grow from a tiny little baby is now permanently angry at me and there is nothing I can do to change this other than bribery and gifts. It is payback or the way I acted to my parents as a 14-21 year old but that doesn’t make it easier to take.

The counterweight to this is that Sam still likes being with me. We just spent an awesome weekend together snow boarding, discussing sports, going to his basketball game where he was awesome, watching movies and bonding. He even told me he loves me in response to my many similar proclamations. Of course part of me thinks that this can’t last, that his teenage years are coming and I’ll get shunned for a second time. But I am relishing the time while I got it.

I know that I can’t take it personally – that being a good father is not about being liked, it’s about respect and being a good role model. But it is hard not to let my emotions run rampant when one of the two most important people in the world doesn’t want to be with me and there is nothing I have done other than exist.

Of course I am compounding this by reading the uplifting book The Road.

Update

In Kingston, NY Holiday Inn skimming free WiFi, waiting to go on client calls. Random thoughts.

• The Shield is the best TV cop show ever, beating my previous passion, Hill Street Blues, by a mile. Mackey, the main character and dirty cop is even more lovable and hateable than Tony Soprano. I am going to shave my head and fatten up my neck in his honor.

• I don't get Facebook. I thought I did, that it was a passive aggressive way to keep up with a few of your real friends, pretend to have some type of relationship with hundreds of others and engage in exciting activities like online scrabble. But after a few months of this ground breaking activity, it has ceased to be a buzz creator. Microsoft must be freaking over their investment. At least the value of Yahoo! makes sense.

• The audience for the Hack and the Flack has almost doubled in the last two months. OK - that means it has gone from 22 to 44 faithful downloaders but the stats don't lie. I think its time to do some news breaking on it to really drive traffic. My attempt to tie Lance to the murder of Heath Ledger (Mary Kate Olsen was supposed to be the smoking gun in a vicious love triangle) didn't have the desired effect.


• I am the ultimate front runner sports fan. No sooner did the Patriots lose to the Giants in the Super Bowl then I was writing them off as joyless cheaters. Brady still might be a great quarterback but his limping with flowers, yapping at Giselle's heels and his quiet, solo pondering on the bench took him out of the Jeter room of greatness. Jeter doesn't genuflect on the bench, he leaps to the top of the dugout to congratulate his teammates.

• I can't make a decision on Hillary vs Barack. OK - I did make a decision and voted for Barack in the Calif primary after listening to Slate podcast comparing him to Bobby and John but he is not inspiring me with his constant not red, not blue but united cliche. Barack is supposedly the inspirer, Hillary the doer. Inspirers can win nominations but can they govern. West Virginia voters will decide on May 18 - can't wait for another three months of over analysis.

• I am almost back to my normal level of endurance. From Thanksgiving to late January I suffered a hamstring pull and flu/bronchitis that had me miss two, count them two days of exercise. Somehow I survived this crisis without alientating Rebecca or my friends.

Specificity of Sport

Running and lifting everyday does not really prepare you for anything other than being able to run and lift everyday. Sure, there is the race across the airport to catch a plane or the challenge of opening a bottle top but they are few and far between.

But then there is a test. A touch football game. That seems like a good challenge for a 42-year old against a bunch of late 20 somethings (a handicap I face in dating a late 20 something woman). Unfortunately, the above paragraph still applies. So despite my teammates exhorting everyone to "get the ball the Ironman, he is really fast," we were crushed and I did little to help. In football there are no 3rd and 7.5 miles and blocking a 200 pound person is not at all like benchpressing 200 pounds. So for all the good working out did me on the football field, I might as well have been drinking, smoking and eating lots of french fries (wait, I already do that).

Plus I have a sore hamstring to boot.

Super Jews

Last night I went to a Friday dinner with a bunch of people I refer to as Super Jews, people who believe and observe the customs of Judaism with a serious commitment. I do have a number of Jewish friends but almost all of them share my apathy/agnosticism so I was borderline shocked that there exist people under 40 who act like a character from Fiddler on the Roof. I have nothing against it - it just came as a shock. Who knew there were after dinner prayers, the religious liquour.

After leaving the dinner, I got in a debate with my girlfriend on whether or not I understood the source of the Super Jews passion. I think that I do, that it is relatively the same level of spirtuality I feel during an endorphin rush or when I hang out with Ben and Sam or listen to the B-52s. It defines my purpose for being here, what drives me each day.

Which got me to thinking about my contemplation on adding more activities or interests to my repertoire. Get out of the box. But is that really the issue. Do I need to do more stuff or be more committed to what stirs me? Pursue my own form of religion, not add others.

Just start talking

If you have nothing to say, then just start talking and you'll end up saying something. 42 years old, no visible inprint or mark left on society. Yet.

It's 8:01 p.m. and it is no longer time for practice or planning. That can still be done but not as the step, but a step. Just start moving, with each step having a purpose but it not being about landing.

I swear this will make sense.

House

The thing that fascinates me about House, the latest medical TV drama, is that the hero has deep passion for his career but pursues it without a care for how he is perceived or for others rules or moral codes. The purity for what he is doing and for how he does it is bizarre and inspiring.

There are lots of real Houses. There is my girlfriend's enormous passion and love for her family, my emotional dejection at a poor marathon followed by the reinvigoration of the desire to go after it yet again, my rebonding with my two boys every time I see them, and the rare client who sees their company and job as more than a paycheck or resume builder.

It means no compromise, no 2nd place, no fear of consequences. It means 3.19.59, emotional vulnerability, no cable and and no time clock.

Imitation is the best form of flattery

When I admire or worship someone, my natural inclination is to copy them. Admire Lance, do triathlons. Dare to be a succesful white male. Wear black slacks and blue shirts. Love PTI and The Gabfest podcasts, start one of my own.

Well, actually, Mike Myser, a good buddy of mine and I started a podcast a few months ago to discuss the three key news items of the week (tech, sports, politics). After four episodes, and three dedicated listeners, Mike convinced Gelf Magazine to pick up the podcast.

Let the fame begin!

New Podcast

This could be the last Myser-Freund Podcast before it is picked up by a leading online magazine. Swear to God.

http://hackandflack.podcastpeople.com/

Weak Mind

I won’t go into the details of the latest endurance fiasco at Vineman for the same reason I won’t watch Holocaust movies. I know it will be painful to relive it so what’s the point. The one statement I will make is it wasn’t cramps, dehydration or a lack of fitness that did me in. Instead, it was my Achilles mind. Again.

There are people with issues that affect their ability to succeed by either their own or societal standards. It is hard to overcome depression, attention deficit order, or lack of stupidity without magic pills or tutors.

In an attempt to cover up my glaring weakness, I have used ADD as an excuse for why I can’t sit still or maintain focus for a specific project for more than five minutes at a time. But I don’t really think I have ADD. I think my medical condition is a weak mind. I don’t think that I am unintelligent or lack creativity. I just think that I bail out of situations when they become tense or painful, primarily in two areas.

Endurance sports – Unless I am incredibly prepared for an event (e.g., Wildflower and Sacramento Marathon 2006), I stop giving my best effort at the first sign of physical stress. Not even Creatine can save the day for me. Sure, I can take solace in the fact that my mind is strong enough to get up every morning to run 8-10 miles or lift weights, but I really am looking for emotional satisfaction by passing tests such as marathons and triathlons and am coming up empty half the time.

Emotional relationships – One of my goals is to get closer to people (friends, parents, girlfriends) but part of this requires dealing with the painful part of the relationship. Tackling the tough issues (e.g., I wish you didn’t treat me that way, say hello to my vulnerable side, etc.). And I avoid these situations like the plague, to avoid painful emotions. To my detriment.

These are issues I intend to conquer before the New York Marathon and way before Ironman Florida 2008.

Performance Enhancers

For the .03 percent of the people who follow professional cycling, there is a lot of angst on the state of the sport given all of the admissions and investigations of "cheaters." Before anyone engages in the debate, they should take Creatine for a month.

I have been taking it for the last three months, and, embarrasingly know little about it other than the generic definitions. However, I do know that it works. Nate convinced me to try it and I have gotten noticeably stronger in bench pressing, curling, etc. and am close to the magical 175 pounds. Hopefully there are no side effects other than increased levels of self absorption, but I was already in that state so its hard to notice the difference.

Now that I have experienced the effects of performance enhancing drugs, I have new sympathy for Jan Ulrich and Ivan Basso. If you knew a great performance was just a tablespoon away, and the only physical risk was to yourself, would you fight the temptation? Not only would you win a fortune, but hundreds of thousands of people would genuflect as you rode by at your strength, endurance and mental tenacity. How can you fight that? A minor compliment from me at work sends me into my office to do pushups so the potential of a nation worshipping me would have me doing anything to get it.

Rather than fighting the use of performance enhancing drugs, sports should embrace them. People watch football, the Tour de France and the Olympics to see freakish athletes perform incredible physical acts. Let's see how far they can go. And the potential side effects will only make it more interesting. Imagine the Nielsen Ratings for the Tour de France stage if there was a chance someone could go flying down a 3,000 foot Alpine drop after suffering an EPO-induced brain aneurysm? Tragic yes, but they made the decision on their own to tempt the health gods. Maybe Versus and the NHL should encourage drug use and potential on ice heart attacks to save its ratings and its sport. People love watching hockey fights, so let's take it a step further.

Off for another teaspoon of the legally acquired Creatine.

Launch of the Merrill and Mike Podcast

http://hackandflack.podcastpeople.com/

Creatine and Superheros

Explanation forthcoming

Merrill 2.0

What happens when you reach 42 years old and you have pretty much accomplished your goals. Clearly you didn’t have enough of them. It’s time for the quick reinvention, time to build a new list.

The new list can’t be an incremental growth to the last one. No studies in minutia like lowering my marathon time by 2%. Although 3.5% weight gains are acceptable.

What are the big themes in Merrill 2.0? It’s kind of like being the president in the second term when you are thinking about how will history teachers explain your legacy. To be morbid, do I really want my tombstone to say “He was in better shape than other people his age” or “His clients got a crap load of coverage?” Probably not. That can be in paragraph nine of the Times obituary.

I am not saying I need to start from scratch. I do have skills, however niche or obscure you would like to classify them.

I can write a press release on the impact of next generation open source application servers and make it almost interesting. I can run 8 miles every other morning and describe it with the same level of enthusiasm to the same people at the same time every other day. I can hold the attention of a room for at least 3 minutes before I get bored of hearing myself talk. I can discuss the benefits of Creatine for two straight weeks without buying it at the GNC across the street.

In short I have useful skills that can be transferred to important tasks. Monumental tasks.
Like what?

I am unique

As a kid, I had issues with my name. Merrill Freund. It doesn't project any specific image other than "dude, that's a strange name." I wanted to be Bud or Jim. Something with a masculine ring to it. Somebody from Mission Impossible. But no. I was Merrill. Or Merl. Or Merrill the Peril.

But now I am older, trapped in a sea of homogeneity. I live in San Francisco, work in the high tech industry, am a white, 42 year old male who wears blacks slacks and blue shirts and spends his day leveraging, lacking bandwidth, developing strategic plans and crossing the chasm. In short, I am a statistic.

But my name isn't. There are no Merrill Freund's listed in the United States. None. I am not a trend or a pattern.

See for yourself. I am unique!

Choices

To avoid making exercise seem like a mindless pursuit but one with a purpose, it is important to have significant goals. They do not have to be as noble as raising money to cure cancer, or attaining inner peace and self-knowledge although that would be nice. They merely have to be enough of a motivation that it will drive you out of bed or away from the TV to work out. Because if you do reach it, you will be overcome by waves of satisfaction.

I am currently struggling to define goals that will produce this sensation. The debate centers on three choices;

1) Numbers. Given that I have completed a half Ironman and Ironman, and finally went sub- 3.30 for the marathon, any advancements in time for these distances will now be incremental. Setting personal records at any distance is satisfying. However, pushing myself on a 50-mile training ride in the hope of lowering my Vineman time from 5.47 to 5.35 seems slightly trivial.

2) Body. At six feet and 172 pounds, I am on middle ground. I am bigger than most competitive triathletes (a group to which I do not belong) but skinnier than the societal definition of buff. In short, I have recently been feeling too skinny. As I get older, I will start losing muscle mass and will probably become skinnier unless I change patterns. As in eat more and lift more to get to 180. Of course, this extra eight-to-10 pounds will directly affect my ability to hit the numbers.

3) Form. While I am a decent runner, I am a terrible swimmer, and below average biker. Rather than maintaining my asinine training approach to swimming of churning inefficient miles and expecting improvement, I should join a masters swim club and actually learn to swim. And even nail flip turns. Now that would be satisfying.

Choosing between the three does not have to be either/or. Step one in the process; go to Koret Center this afternoon, sign up for a masters swim program and weigh myself.

Life is a negative split

In this morning's Kaiser Half Marathon, I achieved the exalted negative split, running the second half of the race faster than the first (44.26 for the first 6 miles or 7.24 pace, 49.32 for the last 7.1 or 6.58 pace). I could play it as an example of my brilliant pacing or ability to fight through the accumulation of pain.

However, I think it's more the case that I do not warm up properly for races and the first 2-3 miles end up as a warmup. The last 3 miles should not feel easier than the last 3 but they usually do. I am more than happy with my 1.33.58 time, and it is a huge psychological boost to finish a race so strong, passing and not being passed over the last 4 miles. Still , I am leaving seconds and minutes on the course and if I am going to ever break 1 hour 30 minutes for the half, this type of racing will not cut it.

Warming up, stretching, speed work, etc . do not require deep scientific research or analysis but it does require me to think. And that is one of the reasons I love lifting and endurance sports. They do not require thought, just effort. Fire, ready, aim.

What do I want?

Climbing out of the rut

Autopilot is not a state I particularly relish inhabiting. My job, my endurance routine, my relationships, my everything currently exist in this plain. I continue to work relatively hard, I am still running 35 miles a week, lifting the same amount, hanging out with my friends and family but something has been missing.

In short I am in a big, ugly rut. While I embrace the routine, it has become extreme. (Non sequitor; I just noticed BusinessWeek now costs $4.99 an issue. Since when does it cost that much?)

The Kaiser Half Marathon, two hours from now, will be a good emotional amphetamine. I suspect I have been in a post marathon malaise since December 3 so this should help.

But I need more than that. More significant changes are required. An initial stab.

1) Ben and Sam. I go back and forth with Jessie on whether or not she is going to move out here with the boys or stay in Woodstock. Regardless if this happens, I need a definitive, actionable plan that is going to get me in front of the boys on a more regular basis. In Woodstock or in San Francisco.

2) Learn to surf. Four five years, I thought about doing a triathlon before I actually did one. I have reached that same anniversary with surfing. It has all the requirements I love; cool gear, promotes the outdoor lifestyle, triggers in its disciples an over analysis of its emotional and psychological tenants, and the ladies dig it.

3) Move to Marin. I love the Bay Area but have mostly been exposed to just the San Francisco side of it. I am not a city man at heart. I am not shutting the bars down at 1:00 am and I don't attend gallery openings. The best place I ever lived was Boulder; parts of Marin are a lot like Mecca. Plus I'll need a car and can finally live out my Wrangler fantasy.

4) Push my workouts to a higher level. Since the California International Marathon, my workouts have lacked purpose. I have been doing the same distance runs and lifting the same amount of weight but there is no fire. I am adding that clarity. The big four goals for the next 18 months:

a) Break 5 hours and 30 minutes at Vineman
b) Qualify for Boston (sub 3.20) in 2007, presumably at New York.
c) Increase weight to 180, without increasing the 8.8 % body fat
d) Break 12 hours at an Ironman.

5) Make a difference at work. Much like in my workouts, I have lacked a purpose or goal at work. My performance has been acceptable but I am treading water, going nowhere. I need to identify how to grow my career, how to challenge myself to jump out of the box in which I am currently operating. To impress me.

6) Open up. Rather than becoming more brave emotionally as I get older, I am moving in reverse. I am increasingly avoiding situations which I think will make me feel vulnerable. No more.

The plan starts in 90 minutes. Break 1.35 for the half.

2007 - Year of Risk

For whatever reason that will never be dug up by a shrink, I am not someone who likes to expose themselves to great emotional risk. Whether it is at work, in relationships or in endurance events, I am not comfortable taking on big challenges. And this is not good.

The Job
I have had the same job for the last 11 years. While there are good reasons for this situation (i.e., I like it, make good money, am a proven commodity/job security), it is also because it is familiar and predictable. I know what I am doing and have mastered all of the essential skills years ago. A new job would require me to leave my comfort zone. While I am confident enough to think I would succeed, it would entail far greater risk than I currently face.

The relationships
While I have friendships that I consider to be meaningful, they could be much stronger. The barrier? I lack inherent emotional trust. I assume that people are going to let me down at some point . To avoid the inevitable, I put up a wall to prevent reaching that point. If I don't put myself out there, I can't get hurt. This partially explains my recent dating paloozza.

The Races
While I am in shape and have achieved respectable times for endurance events, I am not willing to push myself to reach loftier accomplishments. While at some level it is to avoid greater physical stress, it is also fear that I won't have the mental and physical strength and skill to reach the goal. Finally breaking three hours, thirty minutes for the marathon felt great but I didn't have to train much different from the way I always have. Running sub-3.20 would require I move out of my comfort zone and open myself up to potential failure. Hate that word.

But I have reached the point that I can accept the pain of failure or rejection. I welcome it. Bring it on because it is time for riding the waves at Bells Beach.

Pursuing my goals

I have the usual plethora of New Year's Goals, of which only a few are race related. However, I am currently unsure if I actually am motivated to pursue these time specific goals, and the more intense training that this will require.

My growing apathy at pursuing these number-focused goals boils down to the specific reasons I work out. Not sure if the below are in order of importance.

1) Vanity. I can't say that I am proud of this but I judge people to a certain extent, including myself, by appearances. Fear of gaining weight (fat) and atrophying (losing muscle) are a primary reason that I get out of bed each morning to workout in the dark.

2) Meaning. As I approached my 5th decade, I was still struggling to find an activity that I could call my hobby. After training for marathons and triathlons, and loving the process, I realized that endurance sports were it. Phew.

3) Rebel. No one wants to feel like a faceless drone, living the exact same life as everyone else. Working out at 5:00 am provides me with some level of differentiation from the Babbitts of the world. The ceaseless mocking I get at work for going to sleep by 9:00 pm is like an English Beat song to my ears. Of course, in a world in which everyone is now training for an Ironman or ultramarathon and documenting the experience online, my endurance bit is losing its steam.

4) Fun. In one out of every four workouts, the endorphin rush overcomes the physical pain of exertion and the run/bike/swim/lifting experience is actually enjoyable. There is something to be said for having fun in the second hour of a workout.

5) Drive. Inside me, not particularly deep, lurks a lazy man, a reality version of Doug Heffernan. Working out daily balances my inner Doug, and transfers my motivation to the cerebral part of my life. Without my commitment to exercise, I would be 50 pounds overweight, unemployed, and in a deep relationship with the On Demand button.

6) Fitness. It feels great to be in shape. Physical well being directly ties to mental and emotional stability. I have reached a level of fitness with which I am happy. I love being able to rattle off an 8 mile, sub 64 minute run or bench 200 pounds 10 times anytime I want.

7) Goals. I like my job a lot but I don't have any clear, defined career goals that drive me. Identifying races to finish, times to achieve provides me with clear, linear goals that compliment my less measurable ones (e.g., be the best dad, be a better friend, achieve inner chi). As a wanna be anal retentive, it is important that I be able to judge myself by arbitrary numbers.

The basic conflict lies between numbers 6 and 7. Given my fitness level, my workouts are impressive to me but do not require tremendous levels of exertion. In short I am not improving becoming I am not pushing myself. The question is whether the increased level of pain it would require to go sub 3.20 for the marathon or break 12 for the Ironman is worth it. Will it still be fun, bring the same level of meaning to my life and maintain the drive to get out of bed at 4:30 am?

Parenting

I am at JFK Airport on my way back to San Francisco after an amazing nine days in at Hunter Mountain with Ben and Sam. Despite zero natural snow on the Northeast, we got in an awesome week of skiing/snow boarding. I love my life in San Francisco but being with the boys makes me happier and more fulfilled than anything else in the world, and dampens my return home. Fortunately, my campaign to convince Jessie to move to California is picking up steam; it is definitely the goal I will nail in 2007.

As a father of a 12 and 10 year old boys, I struggle with the role I should play (role model, disciplinarian, entertainer, etc.) Obviously it is not an either/or situation; parenting requires several approaches. However, since I am not with them every day (at least for now), the traditional parental role is not one I can easily adopt. If I am back East for only two days, does it make sense to punish them for the weekend if they misbehave? How can I build a meaningful relationship if I am viewed as the visiting professor of punishment? Two questions I ask myself in judging my parental decisions are: 1) Would I be happy to have me as a father and; 2) Can Ben and Sam understand the reasoning behind my decisions and will it help them in the short and long term? I can’t say the answers to these questions are always yes but I am way above the Mendoza Line.

There were some great moments this weekend. Every night when I went to sleep two hours before they did, both Ben and Sam repeatedly said “Night dad, I love you.” Huge. Best five words in the world. They also both started doing pushups and situps each night, a sign that my fitness lifestyle is rubbing off on them. And neither of them asked to have a friend sleep over, which I take as a sign that they wanted to spend quality time with me. Ben did ask if Charlie, a 14-year old New Jersey snowboarder who I hate, could sleep over, but luckily Ben realized before asking that he hates him too.

Now that is bonding.

You believe in miracles...Yes

The impossible can happen. The Washington Generals win. Charlie Brown kicks the ball. A Democratic Presidential candidates from Massachusetts runs an intelligent campaign. Beth acts magnanimous on Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

It happened today. 25 years after my first race in high school indoor track, I shocked myself by finally calling on mental strength that I had given up on ever tapping, and shattered the 3 hour 30 minute barrier at the California International Marathon by over two minutes.

While I felt more mentally prepared for this marathon than any other, it was a Mark Allen, the six-time Ironman winner and god, interview I listened to yesterday that added the icing on the cake. His two thoughts ; pain is only a momentary feeling and can pass, and endurance events are when you discover what kind of person you are.

When my calves started to get predictably tight and cramp at mile 12, Allen's words got me through the pain. When my right quad started to go at mile 22, I just focused on the moment, temporarily abandoned my numbers game (e.g., only 4 to go, that's a short run in Golden Gate Park) and concentrated on the moment. And with 2 miles to go, when I began to contemplate walking in some freakish 2nd grade deja vu (Laurel Pines Country Club, Maryland, summer of 1972 I quit the two-lap test to qualify to go off the diving board with 10 strokes to go), I shut off my mind and just ran.

I was extremely ready for this race physically. My training went well, I didn't get sick and I was rested. But I can say that about San Francisco Marathon 2001, Vineman Half Ironman 2004, Wildflower Half Ironman 2006 and Lake Placid Ironman 2006. I was ready for each of those. But when fatigue and/or cramps set in, I gave in. Maybe not completely like at Wildflower where I only walked from mile 11 to 12, but on some level. In short, I have never gone to sleep after a race over a half marathon thinking I pushed myself further than I thought I could. I have never tasted the satisfaction of real achievement.

Until today. Running strong the last ten miles (I basically ran even splits the entire race) went against everything I have ever done in a marathon. When I ran under the finish line clock at 3.28.05 (I'm guessing 30 seconds to start) I was seriously choked up, like the last scene of Field of Dreams. Or the latest sappy AT&T commercial.

I am not sure if today was an aberration. But in every race I ever do again I want to recapture the feeling of the California International Marathon, December 3, 2006.

24 hours to go

24 hours to go until the California International Marathon and I am, without a doubt, the most prepared, physically, mentally and emotionally that I have been for a marathon. It is not a question of will I break 3 hours 30 minutes, but how good will I feel I doing it.

The rational for this confidence.

1) By the numbers. I am coming off three-to-four months of very consistent training, including:

• averaging 38 miles a week running only four days a week (the big five being 46, 42, 42, 41, 41)
• long runs of 11 miles a week (the big five being 19, 17, 16, 12 and 12)
• running a 12k race two months ago at 7.01 pace (the day after a hard 10 mile run)
• running my final long run, 19 miles, at 3.25 marathon pace despite purposefully trying to run slower than 3.30 pace the entire time
• I have run every single step the last four months faster than eight minute/mile pace.

2) The focus. There is something to be said for running races for fun. However, there will be no distractions tomorrow. If I start to feel discomfort, I am not going to justify slowing down as a search for more pleasant feelings. It's all or nothing.

3) Camaraderie. Rather than seclude myself in my hotel room in Sacramento (as if the cultural wonder of the state capital isn't enough of a temptation), I am going to hang out with members of the SF Tri Club. I can now comfortably admit that I am one of them.

4) The course.

Nuff said.

5) Inspiration. A month ago, Lance and my dad put on performances for the ages at the NY Marathon. Lance broke three hours, my dad nailed four hours and thirty nine minutes in his first marathon after only two years of running. I am taking the baton and will bring it home in style.

6) For fallen comrades. OK, this is exaggeration. I signed up for the race with two co-workers. Ari succumbed to a bad ankle, and Gina. Well Gina ran a great half marathon, and then crumbled under the expectations of the marathon. God bless her.

7) Positive thoughts. I am not inherently a positive person. The glass is half full but I don't think I necessarily will do a great job of chugging it. No more. There is no chance I will fail to achieve my goal of sub 3 hours 30 minutes. Failure is not an option.

8) The clock. I will be an endurance athlete for the rest of my life but the window is slowly narrowing on achieving my time-related goals.

The big four are

Half Marathon: 1 hour 29 minutes (best is 1.32)
Marathon: Qualify for Boston/3 hours 20 minutes (best is 3.37)
Half Ironman: Five hours 29 minutes (best is 5.47)
Ironman: 11 hours 59 minutes best is 13.28)



No more time to screw around.

It's over. Eight ball corner pocket. The fat lady is singing.

The New York Marathon

Yesterday was the first time I attended a major endurance event as a spectator and I came away from the day more inspired than if I had done it myself. For pure emotion, the New York City Marathon is the most incredible event in the world and I intend to run it every year that I get in until I can't run anymore

Reasons to be inspired, part three.

1) After only two years of running, my dad destroyed the course in 4 hours 39 minutes. This from someone who has seen me run countless races and always proclaimed that I was crazy. Who two years ago scoffed at the idea of running more than three miles. Who five months ago dreaded the idea after his first hot half marathon. Who cautiously was not ready to commit to actually doing it until two weeks before the race. Well he did it and I think he is incredible. He'll deny it but he will be on the starting line in 2007.

2) The average triathlete, particularly Ironman participant, is me. A 41-year old white male, white collar worker. There is nothing wrong with this but how inspirational is it to look next to you in a race and see you. Standing at the 24 mile mark of the New York Marathon was like watching a cheesy John Kerry '04 ad but it wasn't staged. Fat people, skinny people, old, young, black, white, Asian, Hispanic, they were all there. Some of the fat people looked great, the skinny people dead on their feet. Running is the sport of the people.

3) Lance has moved beyond celebrity to a place where Tiger, Michael and Ali never crossed. He does things that amaze and inspire in part because they are so human. The celebrity as marathoner is nothing new. Diddy did it two years ago, Oprah before that. But they were a footnote to the race. Yes I am obsessed with Lance and hyperaware of any mention of him. However, he was THE story of the 2006 NY Marathon. There was the Lance cam, the headlines, the crowd attention. It was incredible.

4) Ironman races take over the communities in which they are held but this isn't shocking. Lake Placid, Kona, Panama City and Coeur D'Alene are blips on the map. The NY Marathon takes over a city of 10-20 million, for a weekend. Everyone is a fan of the marathon and the human spirit in NYC in late October/November.

Everyone should do the NY Marathon once in their life. It is a transcendent event; I am committed to crossing the finish line next November at 1:09 pm.

When it's no longer about having fun

On December 3 I am running the Sacramento International Marathon, my latest attempt to run a decent 26.2 miles. I'm back to try yet again.

In the last five years I have run four marathons, San Diego and San Francisco in 2001, New York in 2005, and Lake Placid as part of the Ironman, and crashed and burned training for the Rock and Roll Marathon in 2003. My problems basically boil down to two things; 1) I have not been strong enough to fight through the mental and physical pain that hits around the 19-20 mile mark, which is compounded by the fact that; 2) I end up hurting myself training for the race after I have done a few 16+ mile runs. This exacerbates problem 1.

It's five weeks to go before Sactown, and I have done a 15 and 17 mile run. So far, so good. If I can nail a 20 miler two weeks before the marathon, and overcome problem number two, I think I can tackle number 1.

Which raises the question of my goal for the race. I have waxed poetic about the need to have three goals in a race, each increasingly hard so, at the very least, you will have some level of satisfaction after the race. Plus there is always the philosophy repeated ad nauseam that "the journey is more important than the destination." All of this is true, but not for this race.

December 3 all boils down to one thing - breaking 3 hours, 30 minutes. Since 2001, this has been my marathon goal. I came closest at San Fran '01 when I was on 3.24 pace until I blew up mentally with 6 miles to go and crawled home seven minutes too late. All the formulas (e.g., double your half marathon, add 10 minutes, the Yasso workout) all indicate I should be able to it but I haven't. And I really really want to do it. I feel like this is the key to the rest of my endurance kingdom, the sub-12 hour Ironman, the sub 90 minute half marathon, the five minute wall squat, etc.

So I say shove it to the "fun experience", the "personal best", the "competitive positioning in my age group." None of it matters. On December 3 it all comes down to three digits. I will judge myself by the hours and the minutes.

All or nothing.

San Francisco versus Woodstock

VERSUS

Hypothetically speaking, if you lived in Woodstock, NY, and were considering moving to San Francisco, what would be the pros and cons to the decision. To help provide some context and guidance to the list, you are an active woman (triathlete, skiier, hiker) with 12-year old and 10-year old boys. And their father lives in San Francisco. He's really cool.

PROS

1) Weather- San Francisco - 65 and partly sunny versus 20 degrees and sleet. And if you want summer live in Marin and you'll have summer, where you'll also have much better school districts.

2) Scenery - San Francisco, Marin, Sonoma and Tahoe versus Catskills, NYC and the Adiriondacks.

3) State Schools - UCLA and Cal versus SUNY Albany and SUNY Binghamton.

4) Fast Food - In N Out, Baja Fresh and Buen Sabore versus McDonalds, Taco Bell and Taco Juan.

5) Skiing - Squaw versus Hunter.

6) Skateboarding and baseball - All year versus six months

7) 2,700 miles closer to dad

8) Positive energy of change versus inertia of the bubble

9) Wildflower versus Tinman

10) Big fish in the awesome Pacific versus big fish in a small pond

CONS
1) No immediate friends versus great friends

2) Hassle of moving

3) Three hour drive to Squaw versus 45 minute drive to Hunter

4) High cost of living

5) Yankees versus the A's

Avoiding the Hype

Maybe I am overly sensitive to information on Ironman races, but it seems like their popularity and hype has gone off the charts. The World Triathlon Corporation just announced a new race in Louisville, Kentucky, 2007 races like Canada, Wisconsin and Coeur D'Alene sold out in minutes and Kyndra and Tyler are even thinking of doing one. (shameless Laguna Beach plug).

After I did Lake Placid I was super pumped to do another Ironman realsoon but now I don't know. I can't decide how I feel about Ironman-branded races.

The positives
1) Successfully swimming 2.4 miles, biking 112 and running (well, sort of) is incredibly rewarding, especially after you dedicate lots of time to training and abandon friends and fun.

2) Ironman Lake Placid was a great experience because I got to share it with my family. Physical challenges not only bring out strength and committment, they also bring out fear and uncertainty, which opens you up emotionally as a person.

3) Human beings grow only when they are chasing a goal. It can be knitting a sweater, meditating for an hour straight, discovering the background of your 18th century Bohemian relative or breaking 12 hours for an Ironman. Goals brings a purpose to relatively random daily acts.

The negatives
1) With the ridiculous popularity of Ironman races, the individuality of the challenge is disappearing. As a 41-year old white male working in the tech industry in the Bay area, it is almost required by law that I participate in endurance sports. We are all turning into sheep, spouting the same platitudes about discovering our inner chi through training, appreciating changes in seasons, blah, blah, blah. I mean how many Ironman bloggers do there need to be, either listings workouts down to the minute detail or railing against imaginary critics when they don't finish a race and feel their experience might be perceived as diminished. Obviously I am one of the guilty ones.

2) I feel like we are all trying to buy meaning in our lives. Pay $20,000 and hike in Nepal, pay $5,000 for entry fees, coaching, travel and equipment and do an Ironman. It's adventure in a can. Are we all becoming Sandy Hill Pittmans.

3) Spending 15 hours or more a week exercising is a great way to avoid facing bigger issues in your life. If my abs are rock hard or I successfully completed the hard workout this week, then I don't have to feel bad when I don't have control on the more important parts of my life. How is this different than drug addiction?

Strangely I don't feel at conflict when it comes to running. This is because so many people have done at least a half marathon that it is not viewed as a big deal anymore. Which is good. Running a marathon is a huge accomplishment for anyone, yet these people do not parade around with the same tude that Ironpeople do.

Running is more the sport of the people, Ironman of the elite. And I'd rather be a man of the people anyday. Albeit, one who has done Ironman.

Quiz time

Is this me or Lance?

Random topics

1. Debunking the 20 mile run. Right before going on a 10 mile run this morning, I read an article that questioned the value of the 20 mile run, a presumably critical workout to successfully complete a marathon. The article quite persuasively argues that it is not necessary, and that a 16 mile run is sufficient. Rather than resting before and after a long run of 20 miles, this training approach has you running hard before and after the shorter long run to simulate the stress and fatigue of the marathon. For example, before a 16 miler, run 10 miles the day before so your legs are already tired when you start the 16 miler. This is a huge revelation for me as I get ready for the Sacramento Marathon. I can tolerate a 16-18 mile run, but I detest the 20 miler, both for the mental boredom and because I always get injured doing them. No more!

2. City versus country run. I have lived in both cities (Chicago, San Francisco), small cities (Boulder) and the burbs (Sudbury, Mass., Millwood, NY) so I have experienced different running environments. I definitely prefer city running as there is more visual stimuli to occupy my mind and more fellow runners with whom I can measure myself. The catch is that I be able to run with no impact from traffic. For example, on Thursday I ran along the Seattle Harbor, and did not face any traffic lights or street corners. It was awesome, running by the Aquarium, Ferry Building and through a train yard.

3. Running alone. After running 10.5 miles with Gina yesterday, the verdict is in; I am a social runner. Even though our pace was pretty close to my normal runs, I felt much better and had much more fun. I could even deal with periods of silence (usually I freak out at lulls in conversation) because these were a result of a lack of oxygen rather than a lack of inventory of conversational bits. I might even go to a Nike weekend run and run with the hordes(unprecedented).

4. Busy. If or when I become president, I am going to have the word busy removed from the dictionary. It has no meaning but is the most overused word in the language. As in I am too busy to work out, read, go out for drinks, accept this work assignment, cook, etc. These are all PC ways of saying "It is not important or fun enough for me to do this. I'd rather be doing something else." Let's stop claiming we are superpeople with acked agendas and let everyone know where they stand in our list of priorities.

5. The 12 hour work day. I am often compelled to work more than eight hours a day to
make up for my lack of efficiency and the fact that I am easily distracted (i.e., welcome them). Therefore I feel I can state with great expertise that people who habitually work more than nine hours a day do it because they are either a) inefficient like me and doing eight hours of work in 12 hours; b) in love with their job so do it willingly; c) using work as an excuse to escape from or avoid their personal life or d) trying to get ahead by impressing people with their long hours. There are of course exceptions but 87% of the workforce fits within these four buckets.

6. Spectator versus competitor. A couple of days ago I was making conversation with a client, and asked them if they were a fan of their local baseball team. They said no, they'd rather participate in sports than watch them. Is it a choice? Can't they enjoy playing basketball and watching people who are much better than you play? Can't you watch Lance bike 120 miles up the Pyrenees and then go for a 50 mile ride yourself out of inspiration. Does it make people feel lazy to watch others exercise? Does this go against their type A personalities?

Strangely enough, I am probably the most obsessed sports fan who doesn't actually watch any events but not because I would rather be doing them. Either I am not emotionally invested in the teams so I get bored or I am too emotionally invested (e.g., Michael Jordan, Yankees, Steffi Graf, Lance Armstrong) and get sick to my stomach watching. For example, I could barely turn on the Yankee-Red Sox game yesterday in the 8th inning even though the Yankees were up 13-5. Color me the pessimistic sports fan.

7. Organized room, organized mind. At the end of the summer before 10th grade, I made the huge mistake of telling my mom that a clean room was indicative of my state of mind. Organized life, focused mind. Thereafter, dirty laundry on the floor became indicative to her that I was not studying.

25 years later and I am still having this debate with myself. Does complete and total organization provide an ideal mental platform to focus on your work, life, etc. or is spending time to attain ultraorganization waste time in which you actually could be moving forward, not laterally?

8. Exercise without goals. As I was nearing the end of training for the Ironman, I was looking forward to working out with no goals, no focus. Rather than running 10 miles in the morning and swimming 1.5 mile at night, I could go for a six mile run in the morning and be happy with it, and not lose much in fitness. So after the Ironman was over, I almost immediately signed up for a marathon in December, imposing the same pressures on my training that I was looking forward to avoiding.

While it is clear that I love training for races and striving for increasingly competitive goals, it is also clear that training for the sake of health and wellness are not compelling enough reasons to get me out of bed at 5:00 am. I need to create time-sensitive events that force me into a "do it or you are screwed" ultimatum.

Food

Ben and Sam have labeled me an exercise bulimic; I exercise as a means to purge food out of my system in order to maintain some distorted view of my body. There is some degree of truth to this but my relationship with food cannot be reduced to one convenient psychological term. It goes way deeper than that.

In simple terms, I run to eat. There are many other reasons why I exercise but at the heart it is so I can eat with reduced concern or worry of becoming fat. I don't think this makes me an exercise bulimic. It is simply a way to take food guilt out of the equation, just as the perpetual jeans and gray t-shirt combo eliminates the need to genuflect over my wardrobe everyday.

If I was given truth serum and asked to name my number one passion in life, I would say food. Unlike things that are better when they are anticipated than when they are realized (e.g., birthday presents, baseball games, hot tubs) eating is always better than waiting to eat. I could never be clinically depressed for more than six hours, the amount of time I would have to wait before ordering a pizza which would make me instantly euphoric. I have never claimed to be a deep person.

I consider a big appetite to be the mark of a real man. A stud. Loved Brad Pitt's character in Ocean's 11. When my mom jokingly harasses me for doing the same annoying things now that I did when I was 14, it grates on me. Except when she is exasperated that she still can't cook enough for me. Then I beam. Eating 75 chicken wings to beat Bob Lukens in The Ground Round Challenge in college ranks up there with the Ironman among my proudest accomplishments.

Food allows me to pretend I am a renaissance man. I dabble in all of the classic civilizations (Greece, ancient Rome), maintain religious faith (the Deli), acknowledge the world's rising economies (India, Vietnam) and keep it real (fries, always the victory fries).

While I would not label my typical diet as unhealthy, it definitely lacks fruits and vegetables. Lots of burrittos, pizza, spaghetti, chicken and tuna and cereal. Despite constantly hearing that nutrition is the fourth leg of the Ironman, I can't get motivated to refocus it. My body never craves cauliflower but it does Corn Bran cereal (a hidden secret I can only find on Safeway.com). And I don't think I feel better eating diet that is conventionally healthy. I feel flat, lethargic and constantly hungry.

Also I think improving my diet would have the reciprocal effect of reducing my motivation to work out. If I had a salad and salmon for dinner instead of a 1,200 calorie burrito, would I be as motivated to run 8 miles the next morning to burn it out of my body? Would the reward of a fruit salad at the end of a hard weight session be as pure as Escape from New York Pizza ? I don't think so.

So yes Ben and Sam, my relationship between exercise and food does suggest some minor strain of bulimia but it goes way beyond that. Now that we've got that straight I can now move on to explaining why skiing kicks snowboarding's ass.

Typical Monday

Alone?

I tend to train alone, whether it is lifting, running, biking or swimming. The rational is that: a) All of this exercise takes a lot of time and I want to minimize that time by eliminating minutes and hours spent waiting/meeting people before a workout; b) I know my pace and I don't want to push myself too hard by trying to keep up with a speedster or reduce the benefit of a workout performed below my ability by holding back; c) Training alone toughens me up mentally and if there is one place where I need the most help it's in my ability to endure and push through pain and boredom and d) Given that I travel every other week to be with Ben and Sam, I am a flaky training partner who is not reliable on a week-to-week basis.

I am now questioning this Greta Garbo philosophy based on recent events.

First, training and racing for Wildflower 2006 was a great experience, and not just because I nailed that son of a bitch, hard deck or no hard deck. Biweekly rides with Will made it a much more enjoyable experience and hanging out with the San Francisco Triathlon Club at the race made it a communal experience. I even ended up joining the Club, although I have yet to go to a workout. Baby steps, my man.

Second, committing to and training for a race with other people deepens your own personal motivation and commitment. For example, this morning the plan was to run 10 miles as my first long run in preparation for the California International Marathon. I felt tired the first three-to-four miles and contemplated just doing eight to save my legs. However, knowing that Gina, a friend who is also doing the marathon, had done 10 miles the day before, motivated me to do the entire 10.

Third, there is a community of strangers out there doing the same thing as me and there is a conversation waiting to happen on every run. On the aforementioned 10 mile run, I was passing a runner after 5 miles. Once I got abreast of him, he sped up slightly to keep up. Rather than ignore him, as I would usually do, I started up a conversation, and we ran the last 5 miles together. I didn't even mind that we went slightly faster than I normally would go, the perils of running with a 17-year high school runner with a 3 mile best of 16 minutes.

I'll still probably do the majority of my workouts alone, but more out of necessity and convenience, than desire.

Now what?

Ironman Lake Placid was 12 days ago and I am still buzzed by experience, still love talking/pontificating about the experience. It was definitely a classic experience in my life.

The stats

1 hour 25 minutes swim

9 minute transition

6 hour 47 minute bike

5 minute transition

5 hour 3 minute marathon

13 hours 28 minute total time

Highlights include:

1) Crossing the finish line holding hands with Ben and Sam, and my parents watching on the sideline. Not only were they not bored after 13 hours, they were excited for me. Goosebumps.

2) Being identified as a celebrity blogger during the bike by fellow Ironperson Catherine.

3) The unbelievable organization and enthusiasm of the volunteers who support the racers. It might be a cliche, but they are the heroes of the day, not the athletes.

4) Being surrounded by 2,200 nut jobs like myself. OK, it was cool, but I was thankful that I stayed 45 minutes away from Lake Placid the night before. At work and among my friends I am the weird but quasi admirable fitness freak. In Lake Placid, I was just another person. Zero identity.

5) Swimming 2.4 miles. The night before the race I started freaking out; my longest swim ever is 1.5 miles and I was wasted after that. Other than entering a trance the last 15 minutes from metronomic stroking, the swim was not so bad. I totally could do a Nyad and swim from Cuba to Florida. OK she failed but you get the point.

6) Love the mass start. In the traditional wave starts, I end up getting passed during the bike by lots of people who started after me. I am no sexist or agist, but having calves fly by me with F23 and M65 engravings gets tiring. In Lake Placid I might have started and finished the swim near the back of the pack but that means fewer people passed me on the bike.

7) The start of the marathon. Completing a 112 mile bike ride knowing you still have to "run, walk or crawl" (to quote the athlete's rule book on allowed methods of moving during the marathon) 26.2 miles is clarifying.

8) Transition from motivating to annoying. Love the spectators, love being cheered but there comes a point in the marathon when people calling out your name in encouragement starts to grate on the nerves. Irrational but true.

9) Recovery. Within two days of the race, I felt great. On the plus side that means I was prepared for the race, on the minus side I didn't push myself enough, which means

10) There is a lot of room for improvement. Sub 12 for sure.

Which brings me to the philosophical part of the show.

I feel like I am in the middle of a big corn field, about to get completely lost in a world of endurance races and challenges. The question is whether this is a Twilight Zone or Field of Dreams corn field.

There is no question that I am getting a lot of joy, satisfaction, confidence, etc. from successfully training for these races, attaining ultra high levels of fitness and meeting challenging objectives. As I have pondered before, is this my hobby and is that acceptable and worthy. What am I missing by focusing so much on a training lifestyle? What is surrendered from leaving parties two hours, four drinks and several levels of intoxication before my friends so I can on for the morning workout?

I am not ready to curtail the focus yet; I signed up for the Sacramento International Marathon on December 3, committed to finally breaking three hours, thirty minutes. But as I train, these issues will remain in my brain. Or at least until Laguna Beach starts up again and demands all my focus.

I am an Ironman!

It wasn't always pretty, it wasn't perfect but I finished in 13.28. I'll give all the beautiful details next week but a top three highlight was fellow competitor Catherine, also a first time Ironman, recognizing me during the bike as the author of The Merrill Life. I floated for the next 10 miles.

Swear to god, Mike Reilly said, as I crossed the finish line with Ben and Sam (dream come true), "Merrill you are an Ironman."

I am breaking 12.30 in 2008. Swear to god.

7 days to go

One week to go until Lake Placid, and I am either ready or not. There is nothing I can do in the last seven days that will make much of a difference. I seriously am not sure if I trained enough to do well. And I am defining well based on my three goals for the race.

Goal 1 - Finish the race and have fun. Fun is obviously a relative term here. Exercising for 14 hours is not pure fun, but I want to make sure I enjoy the experience and don't get rapped up in my time. One day I can aspire for thesub 12 hour Ironman but this time it is just about finishing and being in the moment. And barring a serious injury, I will finish before the 17 hour cutoff.

Goal 2 - Break 14 hours. Thinking conservatively, if I can do the swim in 1.30 minutes, the bike in 7 hours and the run in a little over 5 hours I will break14 hours, taking into account transition times. This seems pretty realistic.

Goal 3 - Break 13 hours, 18 minutes and 11 seconds. Now we get a little competitive. This is the time Jessie, my ex-wife did for the 2004 Ironman Florida, which is unbelievably impressive to me. She is a better swimmer and biker than me, so the only way I'll beat this time is if I have a great run.

The question remains; have I trained enough for the race.

Yes I have biked more than I ever have in my life, with about five rides over 60 miles in the last three months. I have also hit the gym to power through at least one one hour workouts on the lifecycle each week. My legs have gotten really strong; I haven't cramped once on any ride, a problem I had in 2005 .

No My longest ride was only 90 miles, second longest 72. I also have not done any bricks.

Yes My running has remained consistent and is still a huge strength. I have averaged about 35 miles a week on 3-4 runs, and have had no injuries.

No My longest run has been a half marathon.

No I should have focused more on swimming but only managed 1-2 swims a week, with the longest being 1.25 miles.

YES This is the biggest strength I have going. I feel ready. I feel mentally committed to a good experience. My breakthrough at Wildfire was so big, so important. I am ready for cramps, for pain, for fatigue. I expect it and am looking forward to dealing with it the same way I did at Wildflower. For a final test, I did a 72 mile bike yesterday and a half marathon race this morning and I felt fantastic the last half of the race.

Could I have prepared better, absolutely. But I happy with what I have done and have no regrets.

Graduation and two weeks to go

Three weeks ago was Ben's 6th grade graduation from Woodstock Elementary School; I was so proud watching him doing to hipster walk across the stage to get his diploma. Now it's on to 7th grade where I will feel justified to start telling him that grades matter even if they don't appear on any transcript.

Ben and Sam have become really good skateboarders in the last three months. They have a half pipe at home and it is their new obsession.


















They make it look so easy so I had to try it out recently. All I did was try and push off a couple of times and then glide on the board and I ended up wiping out on my hip, foot and wrist. I am OK but it could have resulted in a broken bone. Horror.

Two weeks to go until the Ironman and getting pretty pumped up for the race although I am ready for all of this training to be over. Today I am running 16 miles, and biking 60-80 tomorrow, with a lifting workout and swim thrown in there somewhere. While working out twice a day has completely eliminated most other activities from my life and I have definitely become the boring, singularly minded person that I always mocked, it is amazing the amount of energy I have at the end of the day, despite having exercised for 2 plus hours.

The biggest sign that I have crossed the line into complete obsession is my recent body shave. Anyone who tells you that they shave their legs and upper body to save time or improve their ability to recover from road rash is lying. At its most noble, body shaving gets you further into the Ironman state of mind; at its most plastic, it is a surrender to the god of vanity. I am clearly motivated more by the latter.

Final Push

Five weeks to go until the Lake Placid Ironman. It remains to be seen if I am ready for the race. My training has remained metronomically consistent but I haven't appreciably raised the distance of my swim, run or bike workouts above what I was doing for Wildfire.

My average week has essentially been:

1) 1-2 swims a week. I do all of my workouts at USF's Koret Center, which has an awesome pool. I typically swim a mile straight in the pool.

Critique: 1) Lack of variety in my training . Most people break up their workouts into intervals, alternating strokes and incorporating paddles and flippers to hone their technique. My preference is get the swim over with in the shortest amount of time, and to mimic race conditions of straight swimming with no breaks. I understand that this is an inefficient method but I am stubborn/stupid. If I am still hooked on triathlons after the Ironman I will probably join a Masters Swim Team to radically improve my form. 2) 1 mile is not enough since the Ironman swim is 2.4. I agree - my goal is to do 2 miles in the pool within the next 2-3 weeks to build up my confidence and endurance.

2) 1-2 bike workouts a week. I try and do one long bike ride on the weekend and 1-2 hard 60 minute lifecycle workouts during the week. Since I travel every other week to see the boys, I only get in the long ride every other weekend.

Obvious critique. 1) I don't have nearly enough road miles in me. Agreed - I am doing a 90 mile ride today so hopefully that will help.

3) 4-5 days a week of running, 7-10 miles per workout. Running is obviously my strength and my love so I have no real concerns in this area. My goal is to do a 16 and 18 mile run before the race.

Critique. 1) Zero bricks. I hate the brick, never do the brick. I know it is essential for mastering the transitions but I just don't like the idea of back to back workouts, on top of each other. Given that I ran so well at Wildflower, I am not too concerned with my anti-brick stance.

4) 3-4 weight workouts a week. Vanity is a big driving fact here. I don't want to be a 6' 150 pound runner (I am around 172).

Critique. These workouts are not tied to triathlon specific routines, and probably result in me carrying 10 pounds more of body weight than I ideally need. However, the fact that I lift is a big reason I believe for why I almost never get injured.

So, overall, I feel like I am in excellent shape; I will find out in the next three weeks if my base is sufficient to handle higher distance workouts.

Am I happy?

So here I am, a 41 year old man, basically approaching the dreaded point of middle age. Most people consider 50 to be middle age but I don't know that many 100 year old people. I would generally consider myself to be a happy person, and on paper I certainly seem to be successful in the way most people would define success. A great job, excellent health, no addictions, the two greatest sons in the world and awesome friends.

What do I lack?

I am currently single but this is not a big problem for me at the moment. I want to be in a long term relationship but either have not met the right person or have not been in the right place when I met them, and let it slip away. I am still open minded, but increasingly puzzled at the difficulty of the process.

I do not have clear long term goals. I tend to think specifically in short term, six-month time frames. Train for and finish the Ironman. Make XX more $$. Go on this trip. However, ask me where I will be or what I will be doing in five years and you will get a blank stare. I do not need to have the next 20 years mapped out but it would be nice to have an idea of where I am going, for what I am striving.

I am too far from my boys and don't spend enough time with them. Although I live 2,700 miles from Ben and Sam, I see them as much as I would if I lived in Boston or New York. Jessie, the ex-wife, has talked about moving West so they can be closer to me, but I understand her hesitancy to pack up and move away from her base, dig up her roots. Professionally, it makes sense for me to stay at my job for the next year.

If that is it, then it seems pretty clear what I need to do to be "happy." Sure, I could add other things to the list like a new backpack from LL Bean, but that is trivial. I do covet some Mountain Hardware but lets keep things in perspective. I need to focus on the core three areas.
First determine where I want to be with all three, and then determine the baby steps needed to get there.

Outstanding.

FYI - about 50 days until Lake Placid Ironman. I ran 9 miles yesterday morning and swam 1.25 miles at night and felt great. I actually think I have a shot at finishing this puppy. I am slowly raising the distance of my workouts (e.g., 10.5 mile run and 1.5 mile swim tomorrow, 70 mile bike on Saturday) and my body is rapidly adapting. The excitement is building.

Why?

So here I am, two weeks post Wildflower, two months until the Lake Placid Ironman. The euphoria of my performance at Wildflower has faded a bit, and the training is starting feel less heroic and more of a grind. Double workouts can be a smile, but they also become extremely repetitive and all consuming. So why do I do this? What is the reward because it surely is not to win or compete against other people.

1) Eat. I love food and can't stand thinking about controlling how much I eat. If I was a woman, there is no doubt that I would have an eating disorder. None. But I'd also be really hot.

2) Stuff. As I have mentioned before, I love the things associated with triathlons. The bike, running sox, goggles, wet suit, race numbers, etc. It's like collecting Civil War figurines, except much cooler.

3) A major. Everyone needs to major in something. For some its work, celebrity gossip (that is my life's minor), charity work. Working out and exercising is the bit with which I am identified and have 42 seconds to discuss each day before I am told to shut up.

4) The ultimate excuse. I love to hang out with friends and drink but I have limitations. I have never been a night person so even in my teen and 20's, I would start to fade at midnight when everyone else was starting to crank it up. That is now compounded by the fact that I am complete lightweight so on any given night that I go out, I have about 90 minutes before my engine shuts down. Training gives me an excuse for bailing early ("I have to get up early and run") even if I would have left anyway due to being bombed on three Bud Lights.

5) Stress management. My job in high tech PR is pretty stressful, and I tend to overanalyze everything in my personal life. Endurance sports reduce this stress in a physiological way and provides a mental break from obsessing over other aspects of your life. Rather than wondering whether she likes me, I can have a break from these thoughts by thinking about whether my calf will cramp before I am done with the swim.

6) Vanity. While everyone is vain, I am probably worse than the average. I tend to judge people too much on their appearance, including myself. Working out only feeds this disease. It does hinder my performance, as I lift more weight than I probably should for optimally performing in endurance sports. Of course, if I didn't lift I'd finish 47th, not 51st, so it's not like I am leaving money on the table by lifting.

7) The challenge. Nothing ground breaking here. Running the last three miles of a 10 mile run when you are exhausted, forcing yourself out of bed at 3:00 am to get the pre-flight workout in and biking 50 miles solo in the rain makes you a stronger person mentally, and gives you a lot of confidence that you can accomplish things that seem outside of your reach. Merrill in his natural state is a couch potato, but I have forced him to become an active person.

8) Being different. Not only does everyone need a major in their life, but people want to be different, to stand out as an individual. This is why in college I wore shorts in the dead of winter. To get attention. Not sure if it got me the right attention but infamy is better than irrelevancy. While tens of thousands of people do triathlons, and millions of people run, in any given closed environment, like work, family or friends, there are not that many people who do so you stand out in these groups. You have some unique to add to the mix.

9) Health. From an efficient respatory system to ideal weight to constant endorphin release, you just feel better when you exercise.

10) Return to the animal. This reason is copied. Humans basically spend most of their time focused on mental activities (communication, work, reading, watching TV) which is opposed to almost every other specie which exists in a physical realm (walking, hunting, etc). Exercise is an attempt to stay in tune with the animal side of your life, to remain in the state from which you evolved. To be the best rhino that you can be.

Vindication and exhiliration

It has been six days since the Wildflower Half Ironman and I am still on an incredible high. Without a doubt, it was the most satisfying race of my life. There are so many reasons for my euphoria.

The major ones:

1) Erase the memories. Last year I dropped out because I was a wimp and could not handle minor cramps, the 15 minute delay from changing a flat and general antipathy over doing another race. This year I wiped away all of those memories. As I rode by the location of my flat, and the point at which I stopped running, I seriously got choked up at the difference a year makes.

2) Tenacity. I broke through and shattered my mental barrier. For so long, particularly in marathons, I have not gutted it out when faced with crisises. At mile four of the half marathon leg of this year's Wildfire, I got major cramps in both of my quadzillas. Rather than pack it in, I walked them off and then kept running. Unprecedented.

3) Hit all three goals. 1) Finish. 2) Break 7 hours. 3) Break 6 hours, 30 minutes. My time of 6 hours 13 minutes was so unexpected, so exciting.

4) Bring on Lake Placid. I am so geared up for the Lake Placid Ironman on July 22. I know I have a lot of training left to do but I know I can finish it.

5) I am not alone. I did the race with Will and a bunch of people who are as if not more obsessed than me about triathlons. I am not a freak. I even joined a triathlon group, ignoring Woody Allen's mantra that he would never join a club that would have him as a member.

6) Peeing. Last year I had to pull over about 5 times to pee. Wasted time, ruined my momentum. So this year I let it fly while on the bike. Hygenic no, but very liberating. Like being two all over again.

7) Lance. I wore my Discovery shirt for the first time and someone yelled at me to say hi to Lance. Even if it was a joke, I can pretend that they think I know him.

8) Recovery. I am already fully recovered from the race, even though I was totally spent on Saturday. Took the red eye this morning, and ran 8 miles around Central Park and felt great.

9) Armagedon. The Wildflower course is considered to be one of the hardest courses, particularly the run. Major hills at mile 4 and 10 and I ran up both. And broke 2 hours for the half.

10) So much room for improvement. I am so happy with the time for the race but I can become such a better swimmer and biker. So much time, so much fun to be had.

My 15 minutes begins...

A proud moment…my first ever radio interview on www.enduranceradio.com!. It is not the most exciting but you can hear the potential. I clearly need to build a more interesting public person but if I can then other opportunities await such as…

The Wall Street Journal Face Sketch. Who hasn’t dreamt of having their head drawn by a Wall Street Journal cartoonist/etcher? Plus if it does happen, I must have done something involving lots of dough.

Tabloid Magazine. There are lots of options here, from being linked to Brittany, Mariah or Keanu, to scientists discovering a potato that looks like my head.

The Simpsons. Serena Williams, Simon Cowell, Daryl Strawberry (the best Simpson scene ever – Bart chanting "Daryl, Daryl" from the rightfield bleachers) and Troy Aikman have all done voice overs; why not moi.

Oprah and Dr. Phil. In a few months, the fame from this interview and others will go to my ahead. The late nights, the crack addiction, the decent into the abyss will follow after which I will need the love of Oprah and the healing powers of Philby.

Surreal World. After the rise and fall, I will need to mount a comeback and will not be too proud to walk in Trishelle, Vanilla Ice and Charo’s footsteps.

I am ready for the voyage.